“Curiosity is a key erotic element, as it keeps us interested in ourselves and in our partner” – Esther Perel

We desire secure and loving relationships which provide comfort and stability. On the other hand we have an equally strong need for adventure, novelty, and discovery. We strive to have both connection and freedom, to be close and safe but also to fan the flames of our desire.

What makes us feel emotionally secure is not always what turns us on erotically. If you want to reignite your love life, you must take on the responsibility of your own desire.

Here are 5 ways to find the passion and desire again:

1. Make a list of 10 things you do to turn yourself on and 10 things which turn you off.

I turn myself on / feel full of life when… I see good friends, think of a sexy encounter, do something new.

I turn myself off / feel dull within when… I repeat the same behaviours every week, I don’t exercise, I worry.

Recognise what ignites your passion and what dampens your fire, your joie de vivre. Invest in what brings you life and enjoyment.

2.If you are in a relationship remember that you don’t own your partner.

When you text or call your partner you expect them to answer.When you come home at night you expect them to be there, but remember they are separate from you. You do not entirely know their thoughts, you are not joined at the hip.

Recognise that your partner has their own autonomy, and ask yourself how can you strengthen your connection between these two separate and autonomous people.

Recognise your partner’s sovereignty because this can ignite eroticism as you are recognising their separateness from yourself. Curiosity is a key erotic element, as it keeps us interested in ourselves and in our partner.

3.Don’t wait for chance. Plan sex in advance.

Imagination is an essential erotic ingredient. Stay erotically engaged with someone for the long haul is an active engagement. Put effort toward making time for and creatively planning for intimacy.

How can you change things up with the consent of your partner? How often do you talk about trying new intimate things together which turn you both on?

4.See your partner with fresh eyes.

Ask yourself, “When do I find myself most drawn to my partner?” Not just sexually attracted to but drawn to.

Love is an exercise in selective perception. Novelty is the ability to let the unknown in, even in the midst of the familiar. When we see the person we know once again as somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive, and somewhat unknown, it can give us a change in perspective.

5.Make time for yourself.

Human beings are not robots. I may be stating the obvious but you were not made to live for the 9 to 5 working week. Your life may involve a working environment which gives you energy which you find exciting. However remember that the 9 to 5 is not the sum of your life.

You are responsible for your happiness. Make time every day, every week, however often you can fit it in, to do things which make you happy and bring life to you. Actively make time for yourself, it will not happen by accident, you must make a choice to create your happiness.