Tag: <span>Couples</span>

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Love and Desire

  • August 28, 2019July 19, 2020

Love and Desire

“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energised by it.

If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected.

Love is about having; desire is about wanting.

An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go.

But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.

It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned their sense of autonomy and it’s hard to experience desire when you’re weighted down by concern.

The grand illusion of committed love is that we think our partners are ours. In truth, their separateness is unassailable, and their mystery is forever ungraspable.

And what is true for human beings is true for every living thing: all organisms require alternating periods of growth and equilibrium. Any person or system exposed to ceaseless novelty and change risks falling into chaos; but one that is too rigid or static ceases to grow and eventually dies.

This never-ending dance between change and stability is like the anchor and the waves. Adult relationships mirror these dynamics all too well. We seek a steady, reliable anchor in our partner. Yet at the same time we expect love to offer a transcendent experience that will allow us to soar beyond our ordinary lives.

The challenge for modern couples lies in reconciling the need for what’s safe and predictable with the wish to pursue what’s exciting, mysterious, and awe-inspiring.”

From Esther Perel’s, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

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The Relationship Paradox

  • March 11, 2019March 28, 2020

“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other.” – Esther Perel

This is the relationship paradox of love, the closeness needed for intimacy with the individuality that fuels desire.

The seeds of intimacy are time and repetition. We choose each other again and again, and so create a community of two. As a couple grows emotionally intimate through this repetition, which furnishes the building blocks of trust and security, desire begins to diminish. Noting that sex is not a function of emotional intimacy but a separate state of being,

It is too easily assumed that problems with sex are the result of a lack of closeness. But perhaps the way we construct closeness reduces the sense of freedom and autonomy needed for sexual pleasure. When intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not a lack of closeness but too much closeness that impedes desire. Cultivating our individuality, our own personal growth which is set apart from our partner can create the desire and curiosity for our partner again.

Eroticism is a movement toward the Other, this is its essential character. Yet in our efforts to establish intimacy we often seek to eliminate otherness, thereby precluding the space necessary for desire to flourish.

We seek intimacy to protect ourselves from feeling alone; and yet creating the distance essential to eroticism means stepping back from the comfort of our partner and feeling more alone.

Our ability to tolerate our separateness and the fundamental insecurity it engenders is a precondition for maintaining interest and desire in a relationship. Instead of always striving for closeness, couples may be better off cultivating their separate selves. There is beauty in an image that highlights a connection to oneself, rather than a distance from one’s partner.

Adapted from an article in Brain Pickings which talks about Esther Perel’s work on the topic of erotic intelligence. 

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Breathing Together as Foreplay

  • March 23, 2019March 28, 2020

There’s something very erotic and sensual about breathing in unison with your lover. 

It’s a connecting moment where you are paying attention to each other and bringing your energy together. Breathing in this way can feel playful, sensual and joyful.  

You may feel self conscious or silly asking your partner to sit with you and breath together. Many partners find it difficult to even look at each other directly in the eye for anything more than a brief moment. They are unable to truly look and gaze into the eyes of their lover, drinking in what they see and build that intimate connection. 

When we did lose our ability to really connect with each other? How did we lose the ability or willingness to be close? What events could have taken that away from you? I will let you consider that for yourself as we are all individual and the reasons for why we push people away or don’t let them close is different for everyone. The first step is being aware whether you are truly allowing yourself to be connected with and have the door open to connecting with your intimate partner. 

When you are ready to begin this journey of true intimate connection then I recommended the following playful and erotic breathing experience.

Before you begin really ask yourself, am I open to connecting with this person and letting them in? The answer needs to be a joyful and accepting yes. If it isn’t then it sounds like you are not ready for this, take a step back and think about what is holding you back. 

Here’s a step by step guide to breathing together and eye gazing with your lover.

1. Intention and permission

Permission
For you both to come together this was way there needs to be permission given to enter into this experience. There is an equality in this experience, a balance. There is not a moment of euphoria for one and not the other. You both share in this experience equally at the same time. 

Ask each other, “can I sit with you and can we try breathing together?” or “can we share in this experience of siting together and looking into each other’s eyes, I want to feel close to you?” 

Set your intentions
You are here to truly accept the person before you and for yourself to be unconditionally accepted. If you have resentment or anger towards the person in front of you, then you cannot truly accept them. Coming together in this way needs a clean slate. There needs to be a forgiveness of anything which has so far not been forgiven. 

When your intention is to unconditionally accept the person before you, then you are ready to begin. 

2. Space

Create a warm and inviting space which is comfortable for you both to sit close together. 

3. Position

Sit together in a comfortable position, where you can both see each other’s face. You can sit cross legged together or entwined, whatever feels comfortable for both of you. 

4. Touch

Place your hand on each other’s chest. You may want to place your hands on each other’s heart. You may want to ask each other’s permission before you do this “can I touch you here?” or “can I connect with you?” whatever permission language works for you and your partner. 

5. Sight

Hopefully you have already been looking at each other and not elsewhere. Now that you have connected through touch you can connect intentionally through sight. 


Look at your partner’s face, and focus on their eyes. Look into their eyes with your intention of acceptance, care and joy. You may want to pick one of their eyes to focus on, and take these moments to truly look at each other. It may take practice to feel very comfortable doing this. Looking into your partner’s eyes builds intimacy. 

6. Breathe

You can add breathing together. Take a deep slow breath in unison and exhale together. If it helps count to five in your mind to inhale and count five to exhale. Pay attention to how your partner breathes and mirror their slow and deep breath. You can try different breathing exercises together, for example your partner takes a breath first and exhales, as they exhale you inhale. This breath exercise can feel like a wave of energy between you. 

When you approach these activities they are not to be thought of as chores or tasks, take a playful approach, it does not have to be perfect, adapt this to work for you. The most important element is the intention to unconditionally accept each other. 

When you have experienced looking into each other’s eyes, breathing together and being with each other in this way, it is possible for your empathy and emotions towards your lover to open up in new ways. 

Try it. It might be daunting at first. Follow this guide to help you along the way. Breathing together can bring a deeper sense of intimacy between you and your partner.

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Orgasmic Intelligence

  • March 11, 2019March 28, 2020

Orgasmic intelligence is to know when to interact with the tantalising power and crescendo of orgasm and when to embrace sensuality and intimacy as an expression of connection.

Orgasmic Intelligence (OI) is an individual’s response to their innate orgasmic state and potential.

Orgasmic intelligence is not always related to a sexual experience, but it’s always related to our sexual energy, which is our life force. How you experience and feel about your intimate sexual life impacts the whole of your life, they way you see yourself and others.

Alfred Kinsey the first scientist to study human sexuality in detail, once likened the orgasm to “the crescendo, climax and sudden stillness achieved by an orchestra of human emotions, …an explosion of tensions”

Ann Summers released the results of a sensual survey where they got to know the population’s orgasms and sensual behaviour a little better. What did the survey reveal…?

  • 65% of women prefer to achieve orgasm with a partner than on their own
  • 91% of men prefer to achieve orgasm with a partner than on their own
  • 72% of women feel that engaging in foreplay is an essential contributor to achieving orgasm through sex
  • 68% of couples would like to experiment more with sex toys or accessories
  • 43% of couples currently own a sex toy or accessory

Dr Brooke Magnanti writing in The Telegraph today reports that we have focussed too much on ‘the orgasm’ and this idea of ‘good sex’.

Her article encourages us to relax and not over focus on the orgasm itself, but revel in the whole art of love making, enjoying touch, visuals, slow dancing, the scent of your partner’s skin, talking, soft caress, the taste of their kiss and really the whole ensemble rather than one final crescendo moment.

Celebrate the orgasm yes, as fabulous as it is, those waves of pleasure, but look at the bigger picture and the whole sensual adventure of intimacy.

Understand that your intimate sensual experiences impact how you feel about yourself and the life that you live, your connection to others.

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Read more of Dr Brooke Magnanti’s article in The Telegraph here. 

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5 Ways to Find the Passion

  • March 11, 2019March 28, 2020

“Curiosity is a key erotic element, as it keeps us interested in ourselves and in our partner” – Esther Perel

We desire secure and loving relationships which provide comfort and stability. On the other hand we have an equally strong need for adventure, novelty, and discovery. We strive to have both connection and freedom, to be close and safe but also to fan the flames of our desire.

What makes us feel emotionally secure is not always what turns us on erotically. If you want to reignite your love life, you must take on the responsibility of your own desire.

Here are 5 ways to find the passion and desire again:

1. Make a list of 10 things you do to turn yourself on and 10 things which turn you off.

I turn myself on / feel full of life when… I see good friends, think of a sexy encounter, do something new.

I turn myself off / feel dull within when… I repeat the same behaviours every week, I don’t exercise, I worry.

Recognise what ignites your passion and what dampens your fire, your joie de vivre. Invest in what brings you life and enjoyment.

2.If you are in a relationship remember that you don’t own your partner.

When you text or call your partner you expect them to answer.When you come home at night you expect them to be there, but remember they are separate from you. You do not entirely know their thoughts, you are not joined at the hip.

Recognise that your partner has their own autonomy, and ask yourself how can you strengthen your connection between these two separate and autonomous people.

Recognise your partner’s sovereignty because this can ignite eroticism as you are recognising their separateness from yourself. Curiosity is a key erotic element, as it keeps us interested in ourselves and in our partner.

3.Don’t wait for chance. Plan sex in advance.

Imagination is an essential erotic ingredient. Stay erotically engaged with someone for the long haul is an active engagement. Put effort toward making time for and creatively planning for intimacy.

How can you change things up with the consent of your partner? How often do you talk about trying new intimate things together which turn you both on?

4.See your partner with fresh eyes.

Ask yourself, “When do I find myself most drawn to my partner?” Not just sexually attracted to but drawn to.

Love is an exercise in selective perception. Novelty is the ability to let the unknown in, even in the midst of the familiar. When we see the person we know once again as somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive, and somewhat unknown, it can give us a change in perspective.

5.Make time for yourself.

Human beings are not robots. I may be stating the obvious but you were not made to live for the 9 to 5 working week. Your life may involve a working environment which gives you energy which you find exciting. However remember that the 9 to 5 is not the sum of your life.

You are responsible for your happiness. Make time every day, every week, however often you can fit it in, to do things which make you happy and bring life to you. Actively make time for yourself, it will not happen by accident, you must make a choice to create your happiness.

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