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Love and Desire

August 28, 2019July 19, 2020

Love and Desire

“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energised by it.

If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected.

Love is about having; desire is about wanting.

An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go.

But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.

It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned their sense of autonomy and it’s hard to experience desire when you’re weighted down by concern.

The grand illusion of committed love is that we think our partners are ours. In truth, their separateness is unassailable, and their mystery is forever ungraspable.

And what is true for human beings is true for every living thing: all organisms require alternating periods of growth and equilibrium. Any person or system exposed to ceaseless novelty and change risks falling into chaos; but one that is too rigid or static ceases to grow and eventually dies.

This never-ending dance between change and stability is like the anchor and the waves. Adult relationships mirror these dynamics all too well. We seek a steady, reliable anchor in our partner. Yet at the same time we expect love to offer a transcendent experience that will allow us to soar beyond our ordinary lives.

The challenge for modern couples lies in reconciling the need for what’s safe and predictable with the wish to pursue what’s exciting, mysterious, and awe-inspiring.”

From Esther Perel’s, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

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Your Task is Not to Seek For Love, but…

July 10, 2020June 30, 2020

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.
– Rumi

More quotes by Rumi

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What is Love, According to Neuroscientists?

September 4, 2019June 30, 2020

What is love, according to neuroscientists?

It’s one of the most studied, but least understood, of all the human behaviours.

A major study over 20 years ago studied 166 societies and found evidence of romantic love in 147 of them. The conclusion of the researchers: “there’s good reason to suspect that romantic affection is kept alive by something basic to our biological nature.”

The world-renowned anthropologist and expert on romantic affection Helen Fisher has concluded that love is much more than an emotion. It operates at a level so deeply rooted in our biology that we struggle to control it.

I began to realise that romantic love is not an emotion. In fact, I had always thought it was a series of emotions, from very high to very low. But actually, it’s a drive. It comes from the motor of the mind, the wanting part of the mind, the craving part of the mind. The kind of part of the mind when you’re reaching for that piece of chocolate, when you want to win that promotion at work. The motor of the brain. It’s a drive.

This biological drive takes over, and we experience love and affection.

“But the main characteristics of romantic love are craving: an intense craving to be with a particular person, not just sexually, but emotionally. It would be nice to go to bed with them, but you want them to call you on the telephone, to invite you out, etc., to tell you that they love you.”

3 signs it’s love, according to neuroscience

What is love?, neuroscientists have started to identify the most common experiences of love and affection.

Below, we share the 10 most common experiences in terms of people’s behaviours and what happens in the brain.

1) Love makes you feel addicted

When you feel like you’re in love, you can’t get enough of it.

Neuroscientists have established we respond to love in the same way we respond to drugs: once we’ve experienced it, we want more.

This is because love creates addiction. Thinking about the person you have affection for triggers activity in the ventral tegmental area (VTA) of the brain, which releases a flood of the neurotransmitters dopamine, oxytocin, and serotonin (dopamine is the so-called “pleasure chemical”) into the brain’s reward (or pleasure) centers—the caudate nucleus and nucleus accumbens.

We seek love and adoration, acceptance and community at every turn in our lives.

The mix of affection, attraction, and arousal triggers fireworks in the brain.

A study found that once our brains have gotten a taste of something, it’s very hard for us to ignore it. Our brain will continue wanting to activate those feel-good chemicals, which is why love is sometimes described as an addiction.

This is also why break-ups can be so messy to deal with.

2) Love will make you experience recklessness

If you’ve ever been in love, then you know the term “crazy in love” is a real thing.

Research confirms that we’re more willing to take risks when we experience desire and affection.

The prefrontal cortex—the brain’s mechanism for logic and reasoning—drops a gear when we’re in love. At the same time, the amygdala—the warning us against threats—also works less.

The result of these effects is that we end up looking at the world through rose-colored glasses. This makes us make less-than-ideal choices when our brains are preoccupied with the person of our desire.

When we are infatuated, we have no need to be defensive, and we tend to see things from a positive point of view which stops us from questioning our actions, thoughts, and feelings, and it can leave us wondering what the heck just happened.

3) Eye contact is the gateway to the heart

Have you ever gazed into your lover’s eyes and lost yourself for a moment?

Your brain is working really hard to process the information it receives from your eyes, and when you get “lost” in the eyes of another, your brain doesn’t know what to do with that information.

Eye contact between people forms a connection, it’s a biological reality, according to researchers.

The connection that is made can solidify feelings of love, affection and make it all the more real.

Love and the brain

Richard Schwartz and Jacqueline Olds know a lot about love. These Harvard Medical School (HMS) professors and couples therapists study how love evolves and, too often, how it collapses. They have also been happily married for nearly four decades.

Love may well be one of the most studied, but least understood, behaviours. More than 20 years ago, the biological anthropologist Helen Fisher studied 166 societies and found evidence of romantic love—the kind that leaves one breathless and euphoric—in 147 of them. This ubiquity, said Schwartz, an HMS associate professor of psychiatry at McLean Hospital in Belmont, Mass., indicates that “there’s good reason to suspect that romantic love is kept alive by something basic to our biological nature.”

Rewarding ourselves

In 2005, Fisher led a research team that published a groundbreaking study that included the first functional MRI (fMRI) images of the brains of individuals in the throes of romantic love. Her team analysed 2,500 brain scans of college students who viewed pictures of someone special to them and compared the scans to ones taken when the students looked at pictures of acquaintances. Photos of people they romantically loved caused the participants’ brains to become active in regions rich with dopamine, the so-called feel-good neurotransmitter. Two of the brain regions that showed activity in the fMRI scans were the caudate nucleus, a region associated with reward detection and expectation and the integration of sensory experiences into social behaviour, and the ventral tegmental area, which is associated with pleasure, focused attention, and the motivation to pursue and acquire rewards.

The ventral tegmental area is part of what is known as the brain’s reward circuit, which, coincidentally, was discovered by Olds’s father, James, when she was 7 years old. This circuit is considered to be a primitive neural network, meaning it is evolutionarily old; it links with the nucleus accumbens. Some of the other structures that contribute to the reward circuit—the amygdala, the hippocampus, and the prefrontal cortex—are exceptionally sensitive to (and reinforcing of) behaviour that induces pleasure, such as sex, food consumption, and drug use.

“We know that primitive areas of the brain are involved in romantic love,” said Olds, an HMS associate professor of psychiatry at Boston’s Massachusetts General Hospital, “and that these areas light up on brain scans when talking about a loved one. These areas can stay lit up for a long time for some couples.”

When we are falling in love, chemicals associated with the reward circuit flood our brain, producing a variety of physical and emotional responses—racing hearts, sweaty palms, flushed cheeks, feelings of passion and anxiety. Levels of the stress hormone cortisol increase during the initial phase of romantic love, marshalling our bodies to cope with the “crisis” at hand. As cortisol levels rise, levels of the neurotransmitter serotonin become depleted. Low levels of serotonin precipitate what Schwartz described as the “intrusive, maddeningly preoccupying thoughts, hopes, terrors of early love”—the obsessive-compulsive behaviours associated with infatuation.

Being love-struck also releases high levels of dopamine, a chemical that “gets the reward system going,” said Olds. Dopamine activates the reward circuit, helping to make love a pleasurable experience similar to the euphoria associated with use of cocaine or alcohol. Scientific evidence for this similarity can be found in many studies, including one conducted at the University of California, San Francisco, and published in 2012 in Science. That study reported that male fruit flies that were sexually rejected drank four times as much alcohol as fruit flies that mated with female fruit flies. “Same reward center,” said Schwartz, “different way to get there.”

Other chemicals at work during romantic love are oxytocin and vasopressin, hormones that have roles in pregnancy, nursing, and mother-infant attachment. Released during sex and heightened by skin-to-skin contact, oxytocin deepens feelings of attachment and makes couples feel closer to one another after having sex. Oxytocin, known also as the love hormone, provokes feelings of contentment, calmness, and security, which are often associated with mate bonding. Vasopressin is linked to behaviour that produces long-term, monogamous relationships. The differences in behaviour associated with the actions of the two hormones may explain why passionate love fades as attachment grows.

In addition to the positive feelings romance brings, love also deactivates the neural pathway responsible for negative emotions, such as fear and social judgment. These positive and negative feelings involve two neurological pathways. The one linked with positive emotions connects the prefrontal cortex to the nucleus accumbens, while the other, which is linked with negative emotions, connects the nucleus accumbens to the amygdala. When we are engaged in romantic love, the neural machinery responsible for making critical assessments of other people, including assessments of those with whom we are romantically involved, shuts down. “That’s the neural basis for the ancient wisdom ‘love is blind’,” said Schwartz.

If love lasts, this rollercoaster of emotions, and, sometimes, angst, calms within one or two years, said Schwartz. “The passion is still there, but the stress of it is gone,” he added. Cortisol and serotonin levels return to normal. Love, which began as a stressor (to our brains and bodies, at least), becomes a buffer against stress. Brain areas associated with reward and pleasure are still activated as loving relationships proceed, but the constant craving and desire that are inherent in romantic love often lessen.

Many theories of love, said Schwartz and Olds, propose that there is an inevitable change over time from passionate love to what is typically called compassionate love—love that is deep but not as euphoric as that experienced during the early stages of romance. That does not, however, mean that the spark of romance is quenched for long-married couples.

A 2011 study conducted at Stony Brook University in New York state found that it is possible to be madly in love with someone after decades of marriage. The research team, which included Fisher, performed MRI scans on couples who had been married an average of 21 years. They found the same intensity of activity in dopamine-rich areas of the brains as found in the brains of couples who were newly in love. The study suggested that the excitement of romance can remain while the apprehension is lost.

“A state-of-the-art investigation of love has confirmed for the very first time that people are not lying when they say that after 10 to 30 years of marriage they are still madly in love with their partners,” said Schwartz. In the Stony Brook study, he added, the MRI scans showed that the pattern of activity in the participants’ dopamine reward systems was the same as that detected in the brains of participants in early-stage romantic love.

For those whose long-term marriage has transitioned from passionate, romantic love to a more compassionate, routine type of love, Olds indicated it is possible to rekindle the flame that characterised the relationship’s early days. “We call it the rustiness phenomenon,” she said. “Couples get out of the habit of sex, of being incredibly in love, and often for good reasons: work, children, a sick parent. But that type of love can be reignited.” Sexual activity, for example, can increase oxytocin levels and activate the brain’s reward circuit, making couples desire each other more.

That alone, she said, may be enough to bring some couples back to those earlier, exhilarating days, when all they could think about was their newfound love.

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Touch

September 18, 2019June 29, 2020

Touch; A Sensual Poem

The magic of human touch,
Trusting to warm this soul’s skin,
Tis nature of loving connection, as such.

My body accepts this sensual touch,
Like an honoured guest,
Anticipating the pleasures, one of the few.

Skin to skin our bodies converse,
Uninhabited, my mind wanders,
Craving sensuality.

Artful hands sculpt with purpose,
Lulling layers open, you’re quite the artist,
Soothing caress melt my body formless.

Hands caress the contours of my body, Nurturing my senses, As I drink in this pleasure, this erotic energy rises.

My flesh cries out for more, Delicious sensations of pleasure,
Arching waves of splendour.

I want to feel,
The heat of your hands on my skin.

I want to close my eyes and loose,
Myself in the essence of your touch.

I need this,
I ache for this.

With winter’s end,
My entire soul unthawed too.

Now every inch of me,
Aches with need for you.

So far away,
Yet so near.

I need to feel your warm breath,
Whisper in my ear.

I want to wake up to,
Your body smothering mine,
As you cover every inch of me,
With the heat of your tongue.

I want to yield to you,
Submit to you,
Give in to you.

As my desire for you never wanes,
Always desiring you,
Always dreaming of you.

Hands touching each part of my body,
My aching flesh submits to your touch.

Fingers dancing across fields of sensations,
Circles around and around,
Sensations take over, body shaking, yes, right there.

Letting go, arching the back,
Breathing hard yet hardly breathing,
Legs weak, hands limp, breathless, speechless.

Rewarded my senses sated,
With newfound clarity reinvigorated,
Mind, body and spirit replenished.

I thank you for your gift of sensual touch,
Lovingly, I would return the favour,
as such.

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5 Minute Breathing Meditation

September 11, 2019June 29, 2020

5 Minute Breathing Meditation

This 5 minute breathing meditation is from the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA

Audio for this 5 minute breathing

Find a relaxed, comfortable position
Seated on a chair or on the floor, on a cushion
Keep your back upright, but not too tight
Hands resting wherever they’re comfortable
Tongue on the roof of your mouth or wherever it’s comfortable.

And you can notice your body
From the inside
Noticing the shape of your body, the weight, touch
And let yourself relax
And become curious about your body

Seated here
The sensations of your body
The touch
The connection with the floor
The chair
Relax any areas of tightness or tension
Just breathe
Soften
And now begin to tune into your breath
In your body

Feeling the natural flow of breath
Don’t need to do anything to your breath
Not long not short just natural
And notice where you feel your breath in your body
It might be in your abdomen
It may be in your chest or throat
Or in your nostrils
See if you can feel the sensations of breath
One breath at a time
When one breath ends, the next breath begins

Now as you do this you might notice that your mind might start to wander
You might start thinking about other things
If this happens this is not a problem
It’s very natural
Just notice that your mind has wandered
You can say “thinking” or “wandering” in your head softly
And then gently redirect your attention right back to the breathing
So we’ll stay with this for some time in silence
Just a short time
Noticing our breath

From time to time getting lost in thought and returning to our breath
See if you can be really kind to yourself in the process
And once again you can notice your body, your whole body, seated here

Let yourself relax even more deeply
And then offer yourself some appreciation
For doing this practice today
Whatever that means to you
Finding a sense of ease and wellbeing for yourself and this day

This 5 minute breathing meditation is from the Mindful Awareness Research Center at UCLA

More meditations from UCLA

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We Are Not Going Back; The Only Way is…

July 3, 2020June 28, 2020

We Are Not Going Back; The Only Way is Forward

Opportunity after tragedy, now is a time to realign, reprioritise, and rebuild emotional connections. – This is a re-post of an article by Esther Perel & Mary Alice Miller

While many people are living by the moving needle of reopening dates, hoping “to return to normal,” many others are reaching a critical realisation: we’re not going back.

And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. There were issues before, weren’t there? That version of life didn’t always feel great, did it? Many of us were in debt and depleted, if not financially, then spiritually. For the sake of future security, some of us were marching forward on a path that didn’t always align with our truest desires, and at times left us feeling more disconnected than ever. Now, with future security out the door, we’re realising that the decisions we made were based on plans for a future that no longer exists.

The New Normal is here and it requires a new mindset—a curiosity about what we want for ourselves, with our partners and families, with our dates and friends, and with our work lives.

For individuals and couples who were already experiencing distance and misalignment, this redefinition of normal life can be an opportunity to rebuild, reprioritise, reconnect, fantasise, and even let go of some of the things that were holding us back long before the pandemic.

What decisions does this new landscape require? What fantasies does it inspire? How do we talk about it? And how do we put those plans in action in a time when we’re either living with each other 24/7 like never before or living apart, in isolation, like never before?

This is a moment in which the duality of fear and hope must be held with equanimity, thoughtfulness, and even humour and fantasy. It’s a time for laying the cards out on the table, and asking the following questions:

What do we really want?

Where do we want to be?

What do we want to build?

What’s a project we’d love to accomplish in the next year? 3 years? 5 years?

For whom are we responsible?

To whom do we want to live close?

What do we have going well for us?

What are our greatest challenges?

What do we have control over?

What do we have absolutely no control over?

Where do we need to fight?

What do we need to surrender?

What are our strengths and weaknesses individually and together?

If we could be anything, go anywhere, and be happy, what would that look like? It might even be just a slightly better, more aligned version of where you already are.

How Erotic Thinking Helps Emotional Connections

Believe it or not, these questions are erotic in their very nature. They are about imagination, fantasy, exploration, curiosity, and navigating the trauma of this moment for the sake of cultivating pleasure.

How will you take the losses of this moment and transform them into possibilities? Let’s look at the couple quarantining apart again.

They both need to answer the aforementioned set of questions individually before they can answer them together.

Accessing their deepest desires, hopes, and fears in the context of our new normal may reveal new strategies for staying connected.

She may present her student loan debt, in the context of our current economic uncertainty, as a reason for keeping her job exactly as it is and where it is. He may present his desire to be in the same place, and his lack of debt, as a reason for why he can be the one to relocate.

Avoiding the conversation as a means of keeping the status quo—because the status quo feels like security—keeps them stuck in their pre-pandemic dilemma. But engaging in erotic thinking, submitting to their fantasies and desires, makes the challenging points loosen up. It breeds hope. Remember, hope is a feeling, but it’s also a plan.

And this isn’t only for couples who are physically quarantined apart. How many of us have felt the internal quarantine—the separateness from our loved ones we feel when we can’t get aligned?

If you’ve been struggling with this, the world has made it very clear that now is the time to reexamine your priorities.

Original article by Esther Perel & Mary Alice Miller, read more

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Erectile Dysfunction in Younger Men

September 18, 2019June 28, 2020

Erectile Dysfunction in Younger Men

Erectile dysfunction in younger men, according to a study from the Journal of Sexual Medicine, one out of every four new erectile dysfunction (ED) patients are under 40.

Psychological causes are thought to be the main reasons behind ED in younger men. Having said that, physical causes should not be dismissed.

If you have an off night, try not to let this stick in your head. Anxiety can lead to more of the fight-or-flight hormones, such as adrenaline, which may kill your erection dead in the water.

No problem getting an erection one day and then the next, uh oh? Us men are expected to be 24/7 erection machines. Truth is, having problems getting or maintaining an erection is common, whatever your age. The inability to get an erection can have severe emotional effects. And ones that, too often, we just don’t want to talk to anyone about.

First of all: You’re not alone. ED is not just a problem that affects older men. ED can also be a sign of other more serious underlying conditions like diabetes and hypertension, so going to see your GP can be a smart move.

Mind Games

Psychological causes are thought to be the main reasons behind erectile dysfunction in younger men. Having said that, physical causes should not be dismissed. Thing is, getting an erection is a bit like trying to fall asleep. The harder we try, and the more we obsess over it – the less likely it is to happen. So all the advice points to: Relax.

The most common psychological causes of ED include, according to WebMD:

Anxiety: If you experience ED once, there’s a natural fear it will happen again. This can lead to performance anxiety. And then to more ED. Sucks, doesn’t it?

Depression: This is a common cause of ED. Depression can cause ED even when you’re totally comfortable in a sexual situation. The drugs used to treat depression may also cause ED.

Guilt: Feel guilty that you may not be satisfying your partner? This can lead to ED – and the best thing to do is talk it out. Chances are that he/she will rush to reassure you.

Stress: Could be money-related, about your job, caused by family issues or relationship problems.

Low Self-Esteem: This can happen because of prior ED or could be about things totally unrelated to sex. Talk it out with a therapist or your GP, as well as your partner.

Indifference: Not thinking about sex as much as you used to? This can be about age, a result of medications or because of problems in your relationship. Or it could be something else entirely. Best to see your GP.

“If left unaddressed, it can become a vicious cycle. The natural fear of embarrassment and failure become associated with sex. So we avoid sex. And relationships may break down,” explains Dr Earim Chaudry.

If you have an off night, try not to let this stick in your head. Anxiety can lead to more of the fight-or-flight hormones, such as adrenaline, which may kill your erection dead in the water.

“If you think in evolutionary terms,” says Dr Chaudry. “It’d be hard to run away from a predator if you had an erection. So fight-or-flight chemicals are natural passion killers.”

“Erectile dysfunction in younger men tends to be more psychological, but you should get checks for things like hormone levels and diabetes – and try to improve your lifestyle,” he suggests.

The Porn Question

Erectile dysfunction in younger men can be impacted by porn. What’s happening to our erections? In the last two or three decades, Erectile Dysfunction in younger men has gone up.

One idea that’s been floated is that porn, and porn addiction, may be to blame. In a study at the Max Planck Institute in Berlin, researchers found links between years of using porn and a decrease in grey matter in areas of the brain associated with reward sensitivity. The takeaway? Compulsive use of porn may stop men becoming easily aroused.

The medical world is divided on this. But porn-induced ED has been defined as when porn changes a man’s sexual appetite. So you no longer feel aroused in real-life situations.

Possible Solutions: Lifestyle Changes

Without a doubt, lifestyle changes should be attempted in all men with ED.

Smoking is an important cause of ED and continuing with smoking will undermine all interventions.

Being overweight or obese is associated with diabetes, heart disease and low testosterone. In men with mild ED and no known heart disease, weight loss has been shown to improve ED after 2 years, meaning that lifestyle change alone will usually need to be combined with medication. In men with known diabetes and heart disease, weight loss alone resulted in minimal improvement, meaning that medication will almost always be required.

Reducing alcohol consumption to safe levels of 14 units per week or less has been shown to improve ED.

Moderate exercise for 20-30 minutes, five or more times per week will help reduce ED as well as reducing the risk of heart disease and improving the response to medication.

Recreational drugs such as cannabis and opiates should be avoided as these may affect erection, desire and orgasm, usually through alterations of testosterone levels.

Reducing levels of (or ideally avoiding) pornography has been shown to improve erections, orgasm and sexual function in previous high-level users.

Dietary Supplements can be effective in mild cases or can be used to enhance the effect of other medications in severe cases. L-Arginine is an enhancer of the natural erection process but a dose of 2-3 grams is required. Folic Acid 5mg daily has been shown to enhance the effect of oral medications, especially in diabetes. Yohimbine, a natural plant extract, has been used for over fifty years to enhance erections. Saw Palmetto can improve ED and urinary symptoms. Many commercial preparations are available that combine some of these supplements.

Vitamin E has been shown to be beneficial for fertility both with and without ED medication.

Relaxation techniques such as meditation and massage.

For some men, being stressed may just make you irritable, but for others, too much stress can cause sexual problems such as erectile dysfunction. For these men, learning to relax and ease stress is all that may be needed to treat ED.

Relaxation Techniques

Below are a few relaxation exercises. But first, be sure that you have a quiet location that is free of distractions, a comfortable body position, and a good state of mind. Try to block out worries and distracting thoughts.

Rhythmic breathing: If your breathing is short and hurried, slow it down by taking long, slow breaths. Inhale slowly then exhale slowly. Count slowly to five as you inhale, and then count slowly to five as you exhale. As you exhale slowly, pay attention to how your body naturally relaxes. Recognising this change will help you to relax even more.

Deep breathing: Imagine a spot just below your navel. Breathe into that spot, filling your abdomen with air. Let the air fill you from the abdomen up, then let it out, like deflating a balloon. With every long, slow exhalation, you should feel more relaxed.

Visualised breathing: Find a comfortable place where you can close your eyes and combine slowed breathing with your imagination. Picture relaxation entering your body and tension leaving your body. Breathe deeply in a natural rhythm. Visualise your breath coming into your nostrils, going into the lungs and expanding the chest and abdomen. Then, visualise your breath going out the same way. Continue breathing, but each time you inhale, imagine that you are breathing in more relaxation. Each time you exhale imagine that you are getting rid of a little more tension.

Progressive muscle relaxation: Switch your thoughts to yourself and your breathing. Take a few deep breaths, exhaling slowly. Mentally scan your body. Notice areas that feel tense or cramped. Quickly loosen up these areas. Let go of as much tension as you can. Rotate your head in a smooth, circular motion once or twice. (Stop any movements that cause pain). Roll your shoulders forward and backward several times. Let all of your muscles completely relax. Recall a pleasant thought for a few seconds. Take another deep breath and exhale slowly. You should feel relaxed.

Relax to music: Combine relaxation exercises with your favourite music in the background. Select the type of music that lifts your mood or that you find soothing or calming. Some people find it easier to relax while listening to specially designed relaxation audio tapes, which provide music and relaxation instructions.

Mental imagery relaxation: Mental imagery relaxation, or guided imagery, is a proven form of focused relaxation that helps create harmony between the mind and body. Guided imagery coaches you in creating calm, peaceful images in your mind — a “mental escape.” Identify self-talk, that is, what you say to yourself about any problems you have. It is important to identify negative self-talk and develop healthy, positive self-talk. By making affirmations, you can counteract negative thoughts and emotions. Here are some positive statements you can practice:

Let go of things I cannot control.

I am healthy, vital, and strong.

There is nothing in the world I cannot handle.

All my needs are met.

I am completely and utterly safe.

Benefits of massage:

Erectile dysfunction in younger men can benefit from relaxing massage. One of the immediate benefits of massage is a feeling of calm and deep relaxation, which can banish the stress that many men experience. This occurs because massage prompts the release of endorphins – the brain chemicals (neurotransmitters) that produce feelings of wellbeing.

Levels of stress hormones, such as adrenalin, cortisol and norepinephrine, are also reduced. Studies indicate that high levels of stress hormones impair the immune system.

Some of the physical benefits of massage and myotherapy include:

– Reduced muscle tension

– Improved circulation

– Stimulation of the lymphatic system

– Reduction of stress hormones

– Relaxation

– Increased joint mobility and flexibility

– Improved skin tone

– Improved recovery of soft tissue injuries

– Heightened mental alertness

– Reduced anxiety and depression

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The Male G Spot

September 26, 2019June 27, 2020

The Male G Spot

The Male G-Spot also known as the prostate can be the source of mind-blowing orgasms.

The prostate gland is about the size of a walnut and sits under the bladder, surrounding the top part of the urethra (the tube that takes urine out of the penis). It produces much of the seminal fluid that makes up ejaculate.

The prostate gland swells when you are aroused, and many men find that putting direct or indirect pressure on it during sex creates an intensely pleasurable sensation deep in their bodies and can lead to more powerful orgasms.

For many men, the idea of someone touching their prostate sounds about as appealing as getting a root canal. But for other men — both straight and gay — exploring the prostate can bring new heights of sexual excitement and pleasure. It’s so pleasurable, in fact, that some sexual health experts have dubbed the prostate the “male G-spot.”

Men can even have prostate orgasms without stimulation to the penis.

“The orgasm from your prostate is a full body orgasm, and you feel a tingly sensation all over. This is opposed to the more isolated and direct pleasure from a regular orgasm through masturbation or penetration. In general, a prostate orgasm requires more time to warm up and more energy. But it’s totally worth it,” says Chris* (last name has been withheld for privacy reasons), a sex educator at The Pleasure Chest in Los Angeles.

So, how do I find the male G spot?

The prostate gland swells when it’s aroused which means that you’ll have more luck finding it, and more pleasure from it, if you are already turned on when you start looking.

Start by putting some lube on your fingers and massaging the outside of the anus, then gradually slip one or two fingers inside. To find the male G spot the fingers should be pointing up (toward the belly button). Try curling them a little bit like you’re making the universal signal for “come here.” Like we said earlier, you might feel the prostate gland as a small bump.

Many men say that the first thing they notice when someone pushes on their G spot is feeling like they have to pee. This makes sense because the prostate is so close to the bladder. Take it as a sign that you’re in the right place, and keep applying pressure, or start gently massaging.

Be prepared

If you’re trying prostate massage by yourself, make sure your hands are clean. If you’re trying it with a partner, check their digits for any hangnails. Perhaps most importantly, “always use lube, as the anus does not self lubricate. If putting something in your rectum hurts, slow down and add more lube,” says Chris.

Take baby steps

Before going in, start with a gentle external massage on your perineum which is located between the testicles and anus.

“Take some time on your own to get to know your body. Lay on your back with your butt under a pillow, tilting your hips up for easy access. Start with massaging your perineum with your hand or fingers. Apply lube to your finger and rub your anus externally to stimulate the nerve endings,” says Chris.

Explore internal stimulation

If the external massage feels good, curve your (at this point, lubed-up) finger into your rectum towards your belly button. “Two or so inches in, you should be able to feel your prostate,” says Chris.

It’s important to note that you really don’t have to go much further than that, particularly on your first try. “People think you need to shove a whole hand up there, but that’s not how it works,” says Milstein. “Insert one finger a few inches into your anus and push up toward the rear. Wiggle it around a bit, tap the inner walls, and apply different amounts of pressure to see what feels good to you.”

What does a prostate orgasm feel like?

1 / My first prostate orgasm was a few months ago ‘I had a massager, made for prostate massaging, and decided to go for it. When the orgasm hit, it f*cking hit. A wave smashing into my groin; wave after wave smashing over the rest of my body. My skin felt super-receptive. I felt every hair follicle on my scalp, and I felt a pressure building again. I had groaned loudly, and shot across the room. Multiple volleys of semen flew across the room, managing to hit the opposite wall. When it was over, I was still quivering. Gasping for air and trying to not to touch my body. I grazed my nipples and nearly had a seizure. I cleaned myself off after 10 minutes of trying to regain my composure. When I stood up, I couldn’t walk. My knees were quivering with exhaustion. It was intense beyond intense.’

2 / The male G spot orgasm feels a lot better than a normal orgasm
‘Still relatively similar in the way it feel, but just more intense. And longer lasting. I also find I generally come more as well.’

3 / For me, I find that I am simply overcome by the sheer power of the Orgasm.
‘It’s not a whole lot better, per se, but it is a lot stronger. After it happens, I’m stuck there out of breath and trembling for at least a few minutes – as if all of my energy had just been sucked out of my body and concentrated into a ridiculous orgasm. P-spot is the way to go. It doesn’t replace a regular orgasm, but it makes a really nice treat every once in a while.’

4 / They are amazing!
‘It feels like you’re brought to the brink of orgasm, but you stay there for a long time before the pleasure just takes over and you explode. I do think it can be difficult when you try to achieve a prostate orgasm by yourself. You end up focusing on the thrusts instead of being able to fixate on the immense pleasure. It’s much better with a partner when you are able to lie there and just enjoy the feeling, while they go to town on it.’

Your Tantric Massage Experience

Blog

Human Touch

October 3, 2019June 27, 2020

Human Touch

Human touch is a necessary component to anyone’s happiness, mental health, and well-being.

In general, human touch plays a tremendous role in our personal well-being and how we connect with others in our relationships.

Most social interactions consist of at least some type of touch, whether it’s a handshake, hug, or kiss on the cheek. While the specific gesture may depend on the culture, a lot of everyday human interaction uses touch to help build a trustful bond with others.

Human touch is an important part of non-verbal communication. When used properly, it can trigger a wide-range of different positive emotions including relaxation, comfort, security, or joy.

More broadly, touch is an important way we take in information about our world and understand it better.

One study published in Psychological Science discovered that exploring objects through touch can often give us a more detailed and durable memory of that object. And another interesting study published in Nature Scientific Reports discovered that when our eyes feel deceived, we often rely on our fingertips to test our reality.

Touch makes things more real to us. It’s a direct connection to our world and surroundings. And that’s not only true for better understanding our reality, but also better understanding our self and our relationships with others.

In one study published in Frontiers of Psychology, researchers discovered that loving, affective touch – such as a slow caress or stroke – can play an important role in developing a healthy sense of self and body ownership.

Touch makes us more aware of our personal boundaries, but it also lets those boundaries down by letting someone else enter our “personal space.” This type of intimacy – both friendly and romantic – often allows us to connect with another person at a deeper level.

Touch builds connectedness. And this is true whether it’s a romantic relationship with intimate kissing, cuddling, or intimate sensuality, or if it’s a friendly relationship like a sports team using high fives and secret handshakes to build camaraderie and group cohesion.

One of the best examples of how touch creates unity is a fascinating study published in Scientific Reports that discovered when lover’s “hold hands” their breathing and heart rates often sync up.

This perfectly illustrates how powerful touch can be when it comes to building a strong and loving bond with someone.

Paying Attention to Your Need for Touch

Like food and water, I believe human touch is a need that we all have to fulfil in our lives.

Of course, everyone has different “comfort levels” with touch – and some people may be more shy and reserved than others when it comes to various forms of physical intimacy – but the truth is we all need some element of touch in our lives to be happy and satisfied.

This is especially true when we are having a bad or stressful day. For example, a new study published in PLOS ONE found that a hug from someone (especially a friend or family member) helps buffer against stress and negative emotions.

We all need people to be there for us when we are down. And touch is one way people can support us during difficult times and show that they care without needing to say anything.

It feels good to get that physical support from someone – it makes us feel that we are less alone in the world and gives us the comfort of knowing that other people have our backs.

One of the most obvious needs for touch and intimacy comes from our romantic relationships, dating and marriage. Without physical intimacy, a relationship isn’t likely to last very long or be able to sustain itself. We want to be able to connect with people at a physical level (and it’s about a lot more than just sensual desire). Even just morning kisses and nighttime cuddles can make a big difference when it comes to long-lasting romance.

There’s no doubt about it: we want human touch and we need human touch.

Take a moment to reflect on your relationship with touch. Ask yourself…

– “Am I fulfilling my needs for human touch?”

– “What’s my relationship with touch? In general, am I too withdrawn or too clingy?”

– “How can I be more affectionate in my romantic relationships?” (kisses, cuddles, sensuality, etc.)

– “What types of touch am I most comfortable with? Least comfortable with?”

– “What are my favourite types of friendly touch?” (handshakes, high fives, hugs, etc.)

– “How have my past experiences shaped my relationship with touch?”

I believe there is an important balance to be found in how we use touch and fulfil our need for it.

Being too withdrawn from touch (and never seeking intimacy) can become just as harmful as being too attracted to touch (and needing constant intimacy) to feel good about ourselves.

Overall, our need for touch is something to be very mindful of. It’s an important desire on both a physical and mental level, and it’s important that we have a healthy relationship with touch and fulfill our need for it in a safe and consensual way.

Your Tantric Massage Experience

Blog

Sensual Pleasure for Women

October 14, 2019June 27, 2020

Sensual Pleasure for Women

Sensual pleasure for women and tantric massage is less requested than for men.

It seems that men feel able to be adventurous and try out something new in terms of sensual play and exploration.

But what about women? Are they more cautious? Are their needs different?

Tantric Massage for Women:
An experience to relax and revive your senses in a respectful and safe environment. The tantric massage can enable you to explore a tantric massage experience that will begin as a relaxing massage in beautiful surroundings, using massage strokes, slowly awakening your sensuality and breathing with the flow of your energy to arouse you with pleasure. You may have seen the tantric massage for women include the word Yoni, this is simply the Sanskrit word for the intimate female body. A tantric massage can include yoni massage as desired or left out depending on your preference.

There are several tantric groups and workshops available where both women and men can go and take part for a few hours, or for a weekend, or for several weekends, in programmes where they are taught to communicate more clearly and honestly, and to get in touch with their senses and feelings in a more profound and deeper way. But they usually don’t get to give or receive a tantric massage until they have progressed and participated in a quite a number of these workshops.

The clients who come to me are people who want to receive a one on one massage and are not necessarily attracted to participating in a group workshop for such an intimate sensory experience. But these workshops may be ideal for other women or men as singles or as a couple. Personally for the tantric massages I have received, I have also preferred an environment where I am one on one with my chosen skilled tantric therapist.

Sensual pleasure for women looking to have their first tantric massage; here are some tips for finding a tantric massage that suits you and your needs.

– The practitioner should be a skilled massage therapist and the session should be combined with a good, real massage, because in my experience a great massage can truly relax the body and the mind. Feeling relaxed then prepares you for the intimate and sensual part of the tantric massage experience.

– Women need to be allowed to get into a relaxed state and concentrate entirely on them. This implies that the tantric therapist can be intuitive with the massage and intimate part of the tantric massage without continually having to check back with their female client. Yes, checking in with them now and then is good but women need to be allowed to focus entirely on themselves, and let the wonderful experience of a tantric massage surround them and envelop them. A tantric session filled with calm is a sanctuary space for a woman to explore and receive a tantric massage and this should be reflected in the environment of the session.

– The therapist should be able to put their ego aside and not have a personal agenda. The tantric massage is a sanctuary space for a women to feel completely focused on, indulged, caressed and cared for.

– Women who explore a tantric massage should have their needs understood, communication should be clear, comfortable and straightforward. Respect and trust come from the therapist being authentic and truly listening to the person receiving the tantric massage.

– If you have chosen to include intimate full body massage and yoni massage, this should feel intimate, caring and feel at a good pace for you. It should not feel rushed or intrusive.

– The massage therapist should be skilled at giving a yoni massage (intimate female massage).

– A women should have the option to include or leave out any intimate part of the massage as desired, including yoni massage. Everyone is at a different place with their sexual needs and sexuality. Some intimate parts of the tantric massage could be left out of the first session and explored in follow up sessions.

– The massage therapist should have a real quality of touch.

– There should be a clear understanding about the fees and length of time the session is for, before the tantric massage session begins.

– Always make sure your yoni (vulva and vagina) is being massaged or held by someone with clean hands. Which should probably just be a general rule for life.

– Women are far harder to read than men, their needs may be more subtle and often more psychologically complex. Women need to feel safe before they can open up in an intimate way. For this reason sensual pleasure for women and tantric massage from a female therapist might be your first choice rather than receiving a massage from a male tantric practitioner.

– Some tantric massage therapists seem to over identify themselves ‘therapists’ or ‘healers’. A background in psychology should in theory be helpful. But in practice I’ve found that some tantric massage providers for women seem to over emphasise their service as a ‘therapist’, which seems to prevent them from really listening to the person who visits them for a session. People who offer tantric massage and seem to heavily identify as a ‘therapist’ tend to come out with all kinds of pseudo tantric and psychological cliches which demonstrate a lack of basic practical wisdom and common sense. For example, instead of being encouraged to sink deeper into your own self in a massage I’ve heard people having to answer questions like, ‘on a scale of 1-10 how does that feel?’. This type of question immediately takes a person out of a relaxed state, which is the opposite of what a tantric massage is about.

Your Tantric Massage Experience