We Are Not Going Back; The Only Way is Forward

Opportunity after tragedy, now is a time to realign, reprioritise, and rebuild emotional connections. – This is a re-post of an article by Esther Perel & Mary Alice Miller

While many people are living by the moving needle of reopening dates, hoping “to return to normal,” many others are reaching a critical realisation: we’re not going back. 

And that’s not necessarily a bad thing. There were issues before, weren’t there? That version of life didn’t always feel great, did it? Many of us were in debt and depleted, if not financially, then spiritually. For the sake of future security, some of us were marching forward on a path that didn’t always align with our truest desires, and at times left us feeling more disconnected than ever. Now, with future security out the door, we’re realising that the decisions we made were based on plans for a future that no longer exists. 

The New Normal is here and it requires a new mindset—a curiosity about what we want for ourselves, with our partners and families, with our dates and friends, and with our work lives.

For individuals and couples who were already experiencing distance and misalignment, this redefinition of normal life can be an opportunity to rebuild, reprioritise, reconnect, fantasise, and even let go of some of the things that were holding us back long before the pandemic. 

What decisions does this new landscape require? What fantasies does it inspire? How do we talk about it? And how do we put those plans in action in a time when we’re either living with each other 24/7 like never before or living apart, in isolation, like never before?

This is a moment in which the duality of fear and hope must be held with equanimity, thoughtfulness, and even humour and fantasy. It’s a time for laying the cards out on the table, and asking the following questions: 

What do we really want? 

Where do we want to be? 

What do we want to build? 

What’s a project we’d love to accomplish in the next year? 3 years? 5 years?

For whom are we responsible? 

To whom do we want to live close?

What do we have going well for us? 

What are our greatest challenges? 

What do we have control over? 

What do we have absolutely no control over? 

Where do we need to fight? 

What do we need to surrender? 

What are our strengths and weaknesses individually and together?

If we could be anything, go anywhere, and be happy, what would that look like? It might even be just a slightly better, more aligned version of where you already are.

How Erotic Thinking Helps Emotional Connections

Believe it or not, these questions are erotic in their very nature. They are about imagination, fantasy, exploration, curiosity, and navigating the trauma of this moment for the sake of cultivating pleasure. 

How will you take the losses of this moment and transform them into possibilities? Let’s look at the couple quarantining apart again. 

They both need to answer the aforementioned set of questions individually before they can answer them together. 

Accessing their deepest desires, hopes, and fears in the context of our new normal may reveal new strategies for staying connected. 

She may present her student loan debt, in the context of our current economic uncertainty, as a reason for keeping her job exactly as it is and where it is. He may present his desire to be in the same place, and his lack of debt, as a reason for why he can be the one to relocate. 

Avoiding the conversation as a means of keeping the status quo—because the status quo feels like security—keeps them stuck in their pre-pandemic dilemma. But engaging in erotic thinking, submitting to their fantasies and desires, makes the challenging points loosen up. It breeds hope. Remember, hope is a feeling, but it’s also a plan. 

And this isn’t only for couples who are physically quarantined apart. How many of us have felt the internal quarantine—the separateness from our loved ones we feel when we can’t get aligned? 

If you’ve been struggling with this, the world has made it very clear that now is the time to reexamine your priorities. 

Original article by Esther Perel & Mary Alice Miller, read more