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“Life consists only of moments, nothing more than that. So if you make the moment matter, it all matters.
You can be mindful, you can be mindless. You can win, you can lose.
The worst case is to be mindless and lose. So when you are doing anything, be mindful, notice new things, make it meaningful to you and you’ll prosper”
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“When you look upon another human being and feel great love towards them, or when you contemplate beauty in nature and something within you responds deeply to it, close your eyes for a moment and feel the essence of that love or that beauty within you, inseparable from who you are, your true nature. The outer form is a temporary reflection of what you are within, in your essence. That is why love and beauty can never leave you, although all outer forms will.” – by Eckhart Tolle, Stillness Speaks
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“Psychologists commonly hold that, for both women and men, internal fantasies are drawn from our unique ‘love maps’, a term first coined in 1980 by Dr. John Money of Johns Hopkins University to describe ‘the sexual temple expressed in every individual’s erotic fantasies and practices.’
In other words, our love maps describe the subconscious blueprint of our erotic desires. The love map lies at the root of our sexual preferences, explaining why we prefer one physical type over another and influencing our sexual fantasies and practices. Each of us has a distinctive love map, as unique as a fingerprint, but there’s no real consensus on exactly how our love maps or sexual templates are formed.
Some say early life experiences and impressions shape our love maps, beginning with an unconscious tendency to seek out characteristics found in our opposite sex parents. Fetishes also ostensibly derive from our experiences, when an early association of an object or image with a sexual stirring becomes emblazoned into our sexual psyche.
Others believe that our early pubescent masturbation fantasies forge our love maps. Early experiences that results in sexual stimulation and orgasms are instinctively repeated. Is it entirely circumstanial that a teenage boy first masturbates to a typical Playboy centrefold and is later drawn to busty blondes?
Others have the opinion that emotional cravings and unconscious psychological needs inform the love map. All of these theories have merit, and in my estimation there is some truth to each. In the end, our love maps are most likely a dynamic, ever-evolving confluence of factors.
This is why porn, particularly the ready access of Internet porn, is such a personal bete noire: It’s not just the simplistic, erroneous view of female sexuality that bugs me, but the degree to which it creates dependence on external triggers that can both obscure and override the organic development of the love map.
Men deprive themselves of the time to luxuriate in fantasies and desires that are personal and individual, and they frequently turn to the geric visuals of porn to catalyse the process. More and more men are turning away from their intimate relationships as a source of sexual exploration and settling instead for erotic junk food.”
An extract from Passionista: The Empowered Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man by Ian Kerner, Ph.D.
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“Having positive sexual energy in your life is good for you, it nurtures you. It is also good for everyone around you because when you are at your best and full of wellbeing, this impacts how you interact with and respond to the people around you.” – Ella Tantra
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Both men and women have kegels, pubococcygeus or PC muscle, which is responsible for the health of the pelvis.
Exercising this muscle regularly will naturally help to prolong erections and allow a man to to distinguish between orgasm and ejaculation and lead to a potentially more intense climax. As men age, they sometimes complain of orgasms that are less intense and pleasurable. One reason for this loss is the steady weakening of the PC muscle. That should be motivation enough. So the next time you are off to the gym, weight lifting isn’t the only exercise you could be doing.
Here’s some guidance for men for practicing Kegel exercises.
Find the right muscles.
To identify your pelvic floor muscles, stop urination in midstream or tighten the muscles that keep you from passing gas. These manoeuvres use your pelvic floor muscles. Once you’ve identified your pelvic floor muscles, you can do the exercises in any position, although you might find it easiest to do them lying down at first. (Do not practice your Kegels by holding in your urine, you do not want any back flow to happen or to create an infection. Stopping your urine mid flow is suggested as a one time technique to help you locate the PC muscles.)
Perfect your technique.
Tighten your pelvic floor muscles, hold the contraction for three seconds, and then relax for three seconds. Try it a few times in a row. When your muscles get stronger, try doing Kegel exercises while sitting, standing or walking.
Maintain your focus.
For best results, focus on tightening only your pelvic floor muscles. Be careful not to flex the muscles in your abdomen, thighs or buttocks. Avoid holding your breath. Instead, breathe freely during the exercises.
Repeat 3 times a day.
Aim for at least three sets of 10 repetitions a day.
Breath Training
Kundalini awakening refers to Kundalini or “coiled one” in Hinduism which is said to be a form of divine energy or shakti. You may have heard a lot of about the Kundalini as it has become a bit of a buzz word. Kundalini awakening is frequently reported to be a distinct feeling of electric current running along the spine. It derives its name through a focus on awakening energy said to be located at the base of the spine.
It was originally an important concept in Śaiva Tantra, where it was seen as a force or power associated with the divine feminine, which when cultivated and awakened through tantric practice, could lead to spiritual liberation.
Kundalini is also a practice within yoga, for example Kundalini yoga is a school of yoga that is influenced by Shaktism and Tantra schools of Hinduism. It derives its name through a focus on awakening kundalini energy through regular practice of mantra, tantra, yantra, yoga or meditation.
Kundalini yoga combines asana, pranayama, music, mantra and meditation, which can lead to a profound sense of personal transformation. Yoga Bajan first introduced Kundalini yoga from India to the West in 1969 and it quickly grew in popularity, with teachers developing a variety of different styles.
The practice of Kundalini awakening through yoga, tantra and mediation arouses the sleeping Kundalini energy or Shakti from its coiled base through the six chakras that are said to reside along the spine.
Through tantric massage, feeling relaxed, using breathing techniques as desired, exploring touch, sensuality and waves of energy to a climatic release, an awakening of energy and wellbeing can be experienced.
Tantra Massage is a leaf out of Tantra Yoga. It’s an effort to experience the very deepest valley of relaxation. Awakening of your dormant kundalini energy, enabling it to move upwards. Making one revitalize their energy which is livelier, more alive and more radiant.
Tantra massage sets out to free blocked energy throughout the body and awaken the Kundalini, potent energy that lies to rest at the base of the spine.
When the Kundalini rises from its restful state, it spreads out along the spine and precipitates healing throughout the body.
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Orgasmic intelligence is to know when to interact with the tantalising power and crescendo of orgasm and when to embrace sensuality and intimacy as an expression of connection.
Orgasmic Intelligence (OI) is an individual’s response to their innate orgasmic state and potential.
Orgasmic intelligence is not always related to a sexual experience, but it’s always related to our sexual energy, which is our life force. How you experience and feel about your intimate sexual life impacts the whole of your life, they way you see yourself and others.
Alfred Kinsey the first scientist to study human sexuality in detail, once likened the orgasm to “the crescendo, climax and sudden stillness achieved by an orchestra of human emotions, …an explosion of tensions”
Ann Summers released the results of a sensual survey where they got to know the population’s orgasms and sensual behaviour a little better. What did the survey reveal…?
Dr Brooke Magnanti writing in The Telegraph today reports that we have focussed too much on ‘the orgasm’ and this idea of ‘good sex’.
Her article encourages us to relax and not over focus on the orgasm itself, but revel in the whole art of love making, enjoying touch, visuals, slow dancing, the scent of your partner’s skin, talking, soft caress, the taste of their kiss and really the whole ensemble rather than one final crescendo moment.
Celebrate the orgasm yes, as fabulous as it is, those waves of pleasure, but look at the bigger picture and the whole sensual adventure of intimacy.
Understand that your intimate sensual experiences impact how you feel about yourself and the life that you live, your connection to others.
Read more of Dr Brooke Magnanti’s article in The Telegraph here.
Meditation
“Mindfulness means being awake. It means knowing what you are doing.” – Jon Kabat-Zinn
In our culture of busyness people tend not to be very present in the moment, they are not self aware, or are not aware of how people around them are feeling. In the busy momentum of life people don’t listen to their own body and what they need as a human being. People are often on autopilot attached to schedules, tech and punishing deadlines. People tend to be addicted to doing.
When given the opportunity to sit still, people feel compelled to check messages or social media, anything that distracts them from the present moment. These days, with our minds bouncing all over the place, it can be uncomfortable to just be in our bodies.
Mindfulness can help you become comfortable with being in the moment without the need to run towards a distraction which fills the moment with noise. As you come to practice mindfulness, you can eventually bring these powers of mindfulness and focus into the bedroom to improve intimacy and a sense of feeling connected to your partner in the moment. This can enable you and your partner to focus more on pleasure, sensations and intimacy as you become aware of each other in the moment and respond to each other’s needs.
If you are new to mindfulness or are interested in mindfulness here’s a simple mindful exercise you can try.
Turn away from the computer, tablet or phone and sit for a moment noticing the sensations in your mind and body.
How do you feel? What can you hear?
Try to be as present in that moment.
If your mind wanders off to tasks that you have to complete or starts working over things that happened yesterday, recognise this thought and then let it go. You can imagine letting go of the thought like a helium balloon and letting it float away from you.
Gently bring your mind’s focus back to the present, listen to your breathing as you breath in and out. Just be wherever you are for a few moments.
Remember mindfulness is not about trying to make sense of anything, it’s about attention to that moment.
Adapted from Dr. K Wise’s article on sexual wellbeing, erectile unpredictability and mindfulness