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Self Love
Self Love, a new definition
The following is an extract from an article written by Esther Perel
When it comes to self love, where did we get the idea that we have to learn how to love all on our own? Have you ever ended a relationship because you needed to “work on yourself?” Have you ever said “I need to learn how to love myself before I can love anyone else, and before I can learn how to be loved?
Western culture is obsessed with the exhortation of individualism. In the past few years, the lexicon of the “Self”, self-love, self-care, self-made, the selfie, etc., has sparked intense debate.
Has “self-love” become a marketing term so that beauty brands can sell more products under the guise of wellness? Is self-care making us more self-critical? Are people really “self-made” billionaires if they started their business with family money and fame?
Selfie Obsession
Does a “selfie” show the world our most empowered self or does it present a better lit and maybe even slightly tweaked version of how we think we’d like to look? When people say “love thyself,” I wonder, which one?
In the west we tend to see the self as a separate entity with clear boundaries that delineate an independent identity. This vision of the self is comprised of internal ruminations about confidence, doubt, happiness, failure, ability, disability, and privilege or lack thereof. But the self is also entangled in connection with the people around us and with social, political, and economic structures.
We don’t just learn to love ourselves by ourselves. It’s a classic chicken or the egg scenario: in order to love another, we must love ourselves. In order to love ourselves, we must allow ourselves to be loved by others. And we must recognise that negative self-esteem is riddled with societal messages about who is lovable, laudable, or loathsome.
It can be wonderful to be alone, to give our body a massage, to cook ourselves a delicious meal for one, but this isn’t self-love, it’s self-reliance and self-sufficiency.
Self-love, on the other hand, is closer to Terry Real’s explanation of self-esteem, our ability to see ourselves as a flawed individual and still hold ourselves in high regard. Self-love is the ability to not fall into a puddle of contempt even when we mess up. It’s trying new things knowing that we could fail, without thinking of ourselves, therefore, as failures. Can we take that understanding and self-compassion into our connections with others?
Self Made?
For this reason, I also resist the term “self-made”, that mentality of “if I make it, I did it on my own and if I end up on the street, I only have myself to blame.” Human beings are simultaneously dependent and self-reliant.
Self-love is less about the ability to withstand loneliness or establish independence and more about awareness and acceptance of our incompleteness. It’s about letting others love us even when we feel unlovable because their version of us is often kinder than our own.
What does self-love look like for you?
– Can I acknowledge that I messed up without telling myself I’m a mess?
– Can I practice regret without falling into an abyss?
– Can I take responsibility without blaming myself?
– Can I apologise for a mistake instead of hoping everyone will just move on?
– Can I acknowledge a time when I could have been a better leader in my own life?
– Can I release myself from the shame of having not responded sooner to someone so that I can finally reach out?
– Can I accept that I will be okay even if someone who hurt me, a parent, former partner, friend, or stranger, never acknowledges the pain they caused?
– Can I let someone treat me for a coffee, dinner, or movie without feeling guilty?
– Can I accept help from another without jumping to the conclusion that they want something from me?
– Can I hold my point of view without being validated for it?
