How to Have Better Conversations

People want to get the real you, so they can express the real them.

1. Don’t multitask

Better conversations start with being present, fully being in that moment. Don’t think about your argument you had with your boss. Don’t think about what you’re going to have for dinner. If you want to have a meaningful conversation you need to be present and focussed on the person, or people you are with.

To help yourself, try putting your phone away and make sure you allow enough time buffer on either end of your coffee chat so you can properly relax. If you do notice yourself drifting off during the conversation, gently re-direct your attention without judgement.

2. Be curious

Ask questions. Why did they decide to come to whatever event you’re both at? Research actually suggests that people who ask more questions are better liked by their conversation partners than people who ask fewer questions. A question can either kick off a conversation or keep it going.

3. Don’t be afraid to go off-script

Skip the stock questions (what do you do, where do you live, etc.), and ask a question that will make your conversation partner think, which is engaging, or start with a statement: “This painting really confuses me” or “I can’t believe how crowded the train is today.” Statements are invitations to share conversations.

Whether you’re asking a question, replying, or making a statement, be authentic, people want to get the real you so they can express the real them.

4. Give someone a compliment

Compliments shift the focus to the other person and should make them feel good. When it comes to our anxieties about having conversations with people we don’t know, we tend to be in our heads a lot, overthinking what we’re doing wrong or what we could do wrong, she explains. Focusing the attention on the other person in those moments can help us get past those awkward spots.

5. Talk about something you both have in common

At the very least, you’re in the same place and experiencing the same weather. But don’t be afraid to dig deeper and find more interesting commonalities: maybe you’re from the same place, maybe you have a mutual friend, maybe you have a shared hobby, or maybe you work in similar roles.

We tend to overestimate how different people are from one another and how different they are from us, in reality, you probably have lots in common, but you just don’t know what that is yet.

6. Have more conversations with people you don’t know

The more you have, the more likely that you’re going to have good conversations. You get better at asking better questions, and answering with more interesting responses. There’s some skill, but its as much confidence that come from just doing it more often.

We fear social rejection, that the person won’t respond positively or will ignore us, Schroeder says. Research shows the opposite, however, that people nearly always are willing to engage in a conversation when prompted by someone else.

7. Don’t let the awkward moments trip you up

Embarking on a conversation with a stranger often goes through the following stages, first they look at you as if asking, “Do I know you?” Then there’s recognition they don’t know you. Then it’s, “Wait, are you a weirdo?” Then they get past all of that and realise you’re just being friendly.

You have to be OK that it might be awkward for a bit, if you keep going with thoughtful, authentic questions or statements, hopefully you’ll get to that stage where you’re having a real conversation.

Adapted from an article originally posted in Better by Today, read the original article here