Category: <span>Wellbeing</span>

Blog

The Relationship Paradox

  • March 11, 2019March 28, 2020

“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other.” – Esther Perel

This is the relationship paradox of love, the closeness needed for intimacy with the individuality that fuels desire.

The seeds of intimacy are time and repetition. We choose each other again and again, and so create a community of two. As a couple grows emotionally intimate through this repetition, which furnishes the building blocks of trust and security, desire begins to diminish. Noting that sex is not a function of emotional intimacy but a separate state of being,

It is too easily assumed that problems with sex are the result of a lack of closeness. But perhaps the way we construct closeness reduces the sense of freedom and autonomy needed for sexual pleasure. When intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not a lack of closeness but too much closeness that impedes desire. Cultivating our individuality, our own personal growth which is set apart from our partner can create the desire and curiosity for our partner again.

Eroticism is a movement toward the Other, this is its essential character. Yet in our efforts to establish intimacy we often seek to eliminate otherness, thereby precluding the space necessary for desire to flourish.

We seek intimacy to protect ourselves from feeling alone; and yet creating the distance essential to eroticism means stepping back from the comfort of our partner and feeling more alone.

Our ability to tolerate our separateness and the fundamental insecurity it engenders is a precondition for maintaining interest and desire in a relationship. Instead of always striving for closeness, couples may be better off cultivating their separate selves. There is beauty in an image that highlights a connection to oneself, rather than a distance from one’s partner.

Adapted from an article in Brain Pickings which talks about Esther Perel’s work on the topic of erotic intelligence. 

Blog

Benefits of Yoga

  • March 11, 2019March 28, 2020

There are many reasons that people chose to start yoga for some it’s about flexibility, or stress relief, general health and physical fitness.

The health benefits are very real. Yoga can increase your flexibility, improve your balance, and decrease your cholesterol. A recent review in the European Journal of Preventive Cardiology shows that yoga can reduce the risk of heart disease as much as conventional exercise. On average, yoga participants lost five pounds, decreased their blood pressure, and lowered their low-density (“bad”) cholesterol by 12 points. There is vast growing body of research on how yoga improves health problems including chronic pain, fatigue, obesity, asthma, irritable bowel syndrome, and more.

Here’s a beginner’s routine for yoga for anyone to try, Morning Yoga for Confidence & Energy (Strength, Posture, and Mobility) from Man Flow Yoga. 

If you choose to explore yoga, here are 5 possible benefits:

1. Reduction in stress

Studies have shown that practicing daily yoga can reduce or even fully prevent insomnia. When experiencing insomnia, practice relaxing asanas or postures, such as forward fold (uttanasana), or child’s pose (balasana), or lying on your back with your feet up the wall. Relaxing yoga poses can calm both your body and mind.

2. Improve posture and flexibility

A few minutes a day practicing poses like the warrior or the downward facing dog, will soon make you really feel the difference in your flexibility, whether you’re pretty bendy already or not. Yoga is for all and whatever your level of flexibility you can find a yoga position that works for you and your body.

3. General fitness

Yoga gives you all that a gym can, but in a peaceful, safe and more holistic way. It combines aspects of cardio, functional and strength training all in one.

4. Weight loss

To truly grasp the concept of how weight loss and yoga go hand-in-hand, we must understand the three layers that our energetic bodies are comprised of: the mind, body, and soul. Each layer depends on and affects the other two. When one layer is unbalanced, such as the mind, the body and soul follow suit.

You cannot have a healthy body and pure soul if the mind is overactive and unbalanced, which is the case for more people than not. Luckily, yoga has a way of uniting and creating harmony among these three key decision-makers that rule your life.

When all three bosses get along, everything runs in a more balanced and efficient manner. You have a real chance at success and weight loss.

5. Increase your energy

Just a few minutes of yoga every day will provide that much-needed energy boost in our busy lives and will keep us fresh for longer. Yoga, with its unique synergy of body and breath work, is perfect when your reserves are running low.

Screenshot 2018-12-17 20.10.24

Here’s another set of simple yoga poses to get you started with yoga. 

Blog

Quote of the Day

  • March 11, 2019March 28, 2020

“Life consists only of moments, nothing more than that. So if you make the moment matter, it all matters.

You can be mindful, you can be mindless. You can win, you can lose.

The worst case is to be mindless and lose. So when you are doing anything, be mindful, notice new things, make it meaningful to you and you’ll prosper”

– Harvard Business Review, 2014 

Blog

Quote of the Day

  • March 11, 2019March 28, 2020

Don’t be bothered by perfection. Replace the word ‘perfection’ by ‘totality.’ Don’t think in terms that you have to be perfect, think in terms that you have to be total. Totality will give you a different dimension. – Osho

Tantric Body London Meditation
Blog

The Character of a Kiss

  • March 11, 2019March 28, 2020

In an age where social media is accused of ruining the way we communicate and express ourselves the internet virtual sphere has to stand up to criticism.

As human beings, we crave connection, we are simply wired that way. An authentic method of connection is through face to face interaction and communication. Studies show that only 7% of communication is based on the written or verbal word. Leaving 93% of communication based on nonverbal body language. When your words and mind are saying, one thing but your body language is saying something else.
Virtual communication looses so much meaning, it’s only when we can hear a tone of voice or look into someone’s eyes that the true meaning of their words can be understood.
But the internet does have a few wonderful surprises up its sleeve…. like the Send A Kiss campaign by Burberry, where you can send a kiss to a lover, you can take a photo of your own virtual kiss and send it along to the object of your affection, and while you are waiting for their reply explore the world of kisses, which lights up the world showing you which countries have sent the most kisses so far.
In an age of the virtual, authentic connection is more satisfying than the binary variety, but it does still offer up some wonderful ways to express connection and adoration.
Explore the world of kisses with Burberry
Blog

Breathing Together as Foreplay

  • March 23, 2019March 28, 2020

There’s something very erotic and sensual about breathing in unison with your lover. 

It’s a connecting moment where you are paying attention to each other and bringing your energy together. Breathing in this way can feel playful, sensual and joyful.  

You may feel self conscious or silly asking your partner to sit with you and breath together. Many partners find it difficult to even look at each other directly in the eye for anything more than a brief moment. They are unable to truly look and gaze into the eyes of their lover, drinking in what they see and build that intimate connection. 

When we did lose our ability to really connect with each other? How did we lose the ability or willingness to be close? What events could have taken that away from you? I will let you consider that for yourself as we are all individual and the reasons for why we push people away or don’t let them close is different for everyone. The first step is being aware whether you are truly allowing yourself to be connected with and have the door open to connecting with your intimate partner. 

When you are ready to begin this journey of true intimate connection then I recommended the following playful and erotic breathing experience.

Before you begin really ask yourself, am I open to connecting with this person and letting them in? The answer needs to be a joyful and accepting yes. If it isn’t then it sounds like you are not ready for this, take a step back and think about what is holding you back. 

Here’s a step by step guide to breathing together and eye gazing with your lover.

1. Intention and permission

Permission
For you both to come together this was way there needs to be permission given to enter into this experience. There is an equality in this experience, a balance. There is not a moment of euphoria for one and not the other. You both share in this experience equally at the same time. 

Ask each other, “can I sit with you and can we try breathing together?” or “can we share in this experience of siting together and looking into each other’s eyes, I want to feel close to you?” 

Set your intentions
You are here to truly accept the person before you and for yourself to be unconditionally accepted. If you have resentment or anger towards the person in front of you, then you cannot truly accept them. Coming together in this way needs a clean slate. There needs to be a forgiveness of anything which has so far not been forgiven. 

When your intention is to unconditionally accept the person before you, then you are ready to begin. 

2. Space

Create a warm and inviting space which is comfortable for you both to sit close together. 

3. Position

Sit together in a comfortable position, where you can both see each other’s face. You can sit cross legged together or entwined, whatever feels comfortable for both of you. 

4. Touch

Place your hand on each other’s chest. You may want to place your hands on each other’s heart. You may want to ask each other’s permission before you do this “can I touch you here?” or “can I connect with you?” whatever permission language works for you and your partner. 

5. Sight

Hopefully you have already been looking at each other and not elsewhere. Now that you have connected through touch you can connect intentionally through sight. 


Look at your partner’s face, and focus on their eyes. Look into their eyes with your intention of acceptance, care and joy. You may want to pick one of their eyes to focus on, and take these moments to truly look at each other. It may take practice to feel very comfortable doing this. Looking into your partner’s eyes builds intimacy. 

6. Breathe

You can add breathing together. Take a deep slow breath in unison and exhale together. If it helps count to five in your mind to inhale and count five to exhale. Pay attention to how your partner breathes and mirror their slow and deep breath. You can try different breathing exercises together, for example your partner takes a breath first and exhales, as they exhale you inhale. This breath exercise can feel like a wave of energy between you. 

When you approach these activities they are not to be thought of as chores or tasks, take a playful approach, it does not have to be perfect, adapt this to work for you. The most important element is the intention to unconditionally accept each other. 

When you have experienced looking into each other’s eyes, breathing together and being with each other in this way, it is possible for your empathy and emotions towards your lover to open up in new ways. 

Try it. It might be daunting at first. Follow this guide to help you along the way. Breathing together can bring a deeper sense of intimacy between you and your partner.

Blog

Erections, that Blue Pill and Mindfulness

  • March 29, 2019March 28, 2020

Erection unpredictability (EU) can be infuriating, especially when medical professionals tell you that the problem is in your head or stress related. Those who struggle with EU want solutions and want to know it’s fixable. In many cases of erectile unpredictability people turn to that blue pill Viagra, which seemingly makes the problem disappear.

But when you simply take a pill rather than putting in the work of actively managing EU, you’re not solving your underlying problem. Instead, you are masking it by taking a pill to treat the symptom, not the cause. The benefits of that blue pill are short lived, and you do not want to become reliant on that pill. It’s better to move towards a place of health and wellbeing, where you can enjoy erectile health.

I have have worked with many clients over a number of sessions to help them through unpredictable erections. Let me be clear, there is no quick fix. Each session focuses on bringing you to a place of relaxation and arousal. The sessions include using relaxing massage, breathing techniques and mindfulness, being present in the moment, to work with you and your body.

Many people come to me with an expectation in their mind that they can fix this quickly. It is best to suspend all expectations or goals and approach each session as an exploration of new sensations.

If people bring a mindset of ‘this is work’, or ‘I must’ or ‘this is something I need to fix now’ it will hold you back. Instead a mindset of being open to try new things, being willing to take things slow, relaxing into it, letting go and letting your tantric therapist look after you, will help you move towards what you desire.

Mindfulness is being aware of yourself, your environment and those around you and can be used for help erection unpredictability. Mindfulness is a tool you can use on your journey towards erectile health. As you start to practice mindfulness, you can bring mindfulness and the focus it gives you into the bedroom. When you do, you can focus more on pleasure and on sensations rather than on performance.

Those struggling with erectile unpredictability tend to be fixated on their performance in the bedroom. When you worry about your performance with your partner, you disconnect yourself from being in the moment and instead worry about if it’s going to be a success. You take yourself out of what should be more of a flow state.

Flow is a term used in positive psychology that refers to the mental state you are in when you’re fully immersed in an activity also known and being present in the moment, or being mindful.

When you are fully immersed in an experience, the flow and feeling present in the moment you’re not worrying about what might or might not happen. Instead, you’re experiencing and hopefully enjoying all of the various sensations that you are feeling. You’re trusting your body to do what it needs to do. You are not over thinking it.

Tantric massage techniques, combined with mindfulness, being present in the moment, suspending the idea of performance, and being open to trying new things can help those with erectile unpredictability.

There is the potential to transform your experience using relaxing massage, breathing techniques and being present in the moment, to work with you and your body.

Your Tantric Massage Experience

Blog

Love Maps; what informs our desires?

  • April 21, 2019March 28, 2020

“Psychologists commonly hold that, for both women and men, internal fantasies are drawn from our unique ‘love maps’, a term first coined in 1980 by Dr. John Money of Johns Hopkins University to describe ‘the sexual temple expressed in every individual’s erotic fantasies and practices.’

In other words, our love maps describe the subconscious blueprint of our erotic desires. The love map lies at the root of our sexual preferences, explaining why we prefer one physical type over another and influencing our sexual fantasies and practices. Each of us has a distinctive love map, as unique as a fingerprint, but there’s no real consensus on exactly how our love maps or sexual templates are formed.

Some say early life experiences and impressions shape our love maps, beginning with an unconscious tendency to seek out characteristics found in our opposite sex parents. Fetishes also ostensibly derive from our experiences, when an early association of an object or image with a sexual stirring becomes emblazoned into our sexual psyche.

Others believe that our early pubescent masturbation fantasies forge our love maps. Early experiences that results in sexual stimulation and orgasms are instinctively repeated. Is it entirely circumstanial that a teenage boy first masturbates to a typical Playboy centrefold and is later drawn to busty blondes?

Others have the opinion that emotional cravings and unconscious psychological needs inform the love map. All of these theories have merit, and in my estimation there is some truth to each. In the end, our love maps are most likely a dynamic, ever-evolving confluence of factors.

This is why porn, particularly the ready access of Internet porn, is such a personal bete noire: It’s not just the simplistic, erroneous view of female sexuality that bugs me, but the degree to which it creates dependence on external triggers that can both obscure and override the organic development of the love map.

Men deprive themselves of the time to luxuriate in fantasies and desires that are personal and individual, and they frequently turn to the geric visuals of porn to catalyse the process. More and more men are turning away from their intimate relationships as a source of sexual exploration and settling instead for erotic junk food.”

An extract from Passionista: The Empowered Woman’s Guide to Pleasuring a Man by Ian Kerner, Ph.D.

Your Tantric Massage Experience

Blog

Quote of the Day

  • April 22, 2019March 28, 2020

“Having positive sexual energy in your life is good for you, it nurtures you. It is also good for everyone around you because when you are at your best and full of wellbeing, this impacts how you interact with and respond to the people around you.” – Ella Tantra

Blog

He Has Kegels Too

  • April 22, 2019March 28, 2020

Both men and women have kegels, pubococcygeus or PC muscle, which is responsible for the health of the pelvis.

Exercising this muscle regularly will naturally help to prolong erections and allow a man to to distinguish between orgasm and ejaculation and lead to a potentially more intense climax. As men age, they sometimes complain of orgasms that are less intense and pleasurable. One reason for this loss is the steady weakening of the PC muscle. That should be motivation enough. So the next time you are off to the gym, weight lifting isn’t the only exercise you could be doing.

Here’s some guidance for men for practicing Kegel exercises.

Find the right muscles.

To identify your pelvic floor muscles, stop urination in midstream or tighten the muscles that keep you from passing gas. These manoeuvres use your pelvic floor muscles. Once you’ve identified your pelvic floor muscles, you can do the exercises in any position, although you might find it easiest to do them lying down at first. (Do not practice your Kegels by holding in your urine, you do not want any back flow to happen or to create an infection. Stopping your urine mid flow is suggested as a one time technique to help you locate the PC muscles.)

 

Perfect your technique.

Tighten your pelvic floor muscles, hold the contraction for three seconds, and then relax for three seconds. Try it a few times in a row. When your muscles get stronger, try doing Kegel exercises while sitting, standing or walking.

 

Maintain your focus.

For best results, focus on tightening only your pelvic floor muscles. Be careful not to flex the muscles in your abdomen, thighs or buttocks. Avoid holding your breath. Instead, breathe freely during the exercises.

 

Repeat 3 times a day.

Aim for at least three sets of 10 repetitions a day.

 

 

What is Tantric Massage?