Category: <span>Couples</span>

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Love and Desire

  • August 28, 2019July 19, 2020

Love and Desire

“Love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery. Love likes to shrink the distance that exists between me and you, while desire is energised by it.

If intimacy grows through repetition and familiarity, eroticism is numbed by repetition. It thrives on the mysterious, the novel, and the unexpected.

Love is about having; desire is about wanting.

An expression of longing, desire requires ongoing elusiveness. It is less concerned with where it has already been than passionate about where it can still go.

But too often, as couples settle into the comforts of love, they cease to fan the flame of desire. They forget that fire needs air.

It’s hard to feel attracted to someone who has abandoned their sense of autonomy and it’s hard to experience desire when you’re weighted down by concern.

The grand illusion of committed love is that we think our partners are ours. In truth, their separateness is unassailable, and their mystery is forever ungraspable.

And what is true for human beings is true for every living thing: all organisms require alternating periods of growth and equilibrium. Any person or system exposed to ceaseless novelty and change risks falling into chaos; but one that is too rigid or static ceases to grow and eventually dies.

This never-ending dance between change and stability is like the anchor and the waves. Adult relationships mirror these dynamics all too well. We seek a steady, reliable anchor in our partner. Yet at the same time we expect love to offer a transcendent experience that will allow us to soar beyond our ordinary lives.

The challenge for modern couples lies in reconciling the need for what’s safe and predictable with the wish to pursue what’s exciting, mysterious, and awe-inspiring.”

From Esther Perel’s, Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic

Your Tantric Massage Experience

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Sensual Ecstasy and Tantra

  • March 1, 2020June 27, 2020

Sensual Ecstasy Through Tantra

Have you ever experienced a moment of sensual ecstasy? How did it make you feel? Exhilarated? Luminous? Deeply connected? Intense sensual experiences are one of our greatest sources of pleasure.

Human beings need and crave intimacy to the core of our being, yet also take great pains to avoid it. We may long to rekindle lost passion, but have forgotten how to light the fire.

The practice of Tantra shows us how to reclaim the sensual intimacy. And through this most ancient of arts, we may discover new joys of the erotic and expand mere moments of sensual ecstasy into a lifetime of intimate bliss. At a time when the stresses, fears and distractions of daily life threaten so many relationships, the ancient tradition of Tantra shows us how to open our hearts, our emotions and our sensuality.

What Is Tantra?

Although Tantra has long been practiced in many eastern cultures, it is just beginning to flourish in the United States and Europe. Tantra originated in India more than 6,000 years ago, Tantra emerged as a rebellion against organised religion, which held that sensual desire should be rejected in order to reach enlightenment.

Tantra challenged the beliefs of that time, purporting that sensual ecstasy was a doorway to the divine, and that earthly pleasures, such as eating, dancing and creative expression were sacred acts.

The word Tantra means “to manifest, to expand, to show and to weave.” In this context, sensuality and intimacy is thought to expand consciousness and to weave together the polarities of male (represented by the Hindu god, Shiva), and female (embodied by the Hindu goddess, Shakti), into a harmonious whole.

Couples need not adopt the Tantric pantheon in order to benefit from the sensual wisdom of this ancient art. Tantric intimate practices teach us to prolong the act of making love and to utilise potent orgasmic energies more effectively.

Tantra is also health enhancing. “Intimate sensual energy is one of our most powerful energies for creating health,” says Christiane Northrup, M.D., author of “Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom.”

“By using sensual intimate energy in a conscious way…we can tap into a true source of youth and vitality.”

How Is Tantric Sensuality Unique?

In the West, we sometimes view intimate sensuality as a source of recreation rather than a means of transformation. The goal may be to reach orgasm rather than to pleasure our lover or to connect with them more fully.

Your Tantric Massage Experience

The tantric massage experience can bring you to a place of deep relaxation in a way that will also enable your whole being to be highly aroused. The massage will begin just like a Swedish or holistic massage and be a full body massage experience including the intimate area of the body. The tantric massage experience combines gentle touch, body massage, relaxing breathing techniques and arousal of the senses. Find out more.

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Sensory Deprivation

  • October 18, 2019June 27, 2020

Sensory Deprivation

Sensory deprivation is a deliberate removal of stimuli from our senses. 

When stimuli are removed, instead of hibernating, the mind explodes with activity: visions, various auditory hallucinations and other perceptual distortions. In other words: without the distractions, mind tends to go into overdrive.

Over the years, studies have shown that sensory deprivation does induce psychosis-like experiences.

Pairing sensory deprivation with sensation play is a great entry point into the world of sensual play and kink. Manipulating the senses allows you to take a dip into BDSM (bondage, discipline, sadism, and masochism).

When you and your lover are playing and trying out sensory play always agree what is allowed and what is off limits before you begin. It’s essential to agree on your safe word with your partner and have trust between you. A safe word is established so that the action can be stopped instantly should anything go wrong. Whatever your safe word is, make sure you and your partner are on the same page.

When talking about what is allowed or off limits with your partner you could start the conversation with, “I really like it when…” or “I have a fantasy about ______ and was wondering if you would want to…” or “I really get turned on when…” or “I’ve always wanted to try…”

Trust and communication is key during BDSM and kink play.

Sensory deprivation is commonly used in BDSM and appeals to beginners as well as experienced players. Put simply, sensory deprivation is the act of removing one or more of the senses so the others become magnified or distorted.

Blindfolds and sensory deprivation

Blindfolds are one of the most common sensory deprivation tools. When our sight is taken away, we’re forced to rely on touch, smell, hearing, and taste. Cover the eyes and suddenly every sound becomes more seductive (or sinister depending on the mood you’re trying to set). Each touch feels more electric, tastes are more decadent, and our sense of smell becomes more keen.

While using a blindfold alone will kick your kink game up a notch, it can be even more impactful when layered with other things. You may wish to remove additional senses to erotically disorient your lover. You could add a pair of headphones playing music to your blindfold set-up, or play with the senses of touch, smell, and taste.

You can think of your partner’s sense of anticipation as your great ally throughout the session, and the absence of visual and verbal clues of what is about to happen next will greatly increase the erotic tension.

Sensation play

Every type of bodily touch elicits some sort of sensation. Sensation play is most effective when it involves opposing types of touch in succession. For instance, rough followed by soft, fast and slow, hot and cold, firm and gentle. This type of thoughtfully applied stimulation gets our endorphins and adrenaline flowing.  

One of the most versatile sensation tools are the hands. They can firmly massage or tickle with lightly stroking fingers. Put a rough mitten or soft, clean polishing mitt on each hand and rub those opposing sensations over your partner’s body in quick succession. Add lotion or oils to your bare hands to make them even more versatile tools. Leaning in close, slowly release warm breath on your partner’s oily skin. Blowing a firm stream of air will elicit a cool sensation on damp skin.

You can take the temperature play further with alternating things like ice cubes, cold or frozen grapes and warm washcloths.

If spanking is on your list of things to try be sure to spank safely. A key component to having spanking be safe and pleasurable is location, location, location. Focus spanking the buttocks this is a safe area to spank.

AVOID SPANKING THESE AREAS – the tailbone / base of the spine, outside of the buttocks, lower thighs, the back of the knees, and where the bottom ends and the thighs begin. It’s easy to damage the base of the spine or kidneys if your spanking gets out of the safe zone.

When we get spanked, more blood flows to the skin, the muscles relax and arousal builds. Warm your partner up with softer spanks. Massage the l butt and thighs, the more relaxed we are, the better spanking can feel. Watch their body language for cues that they’re beginning to get turned on. You may want to include other stimulation such as genital play or tickling to heighten sensation.

When your partner is warmed up, their skin will probably feel warmer and (depending on their skin tone) may be a bit pink. They may also relax into the sensation or make appreciative sounds. However your partner expresses their pleasure, make sure to linger here before taking it further, you’ll be rewarded later.

If you’re not sure what you or your partner likes, start slow and ask. One great way to do that is to spank once and ask them to rate it on a scale of one to ten. Another way is to do two different strokes and ask which one felt better. And remember that what we like changes when we’re turned on and warmed up, so feel free to mix it up a bit.

The spankee can give cues that particular stroke pattern or strength is enjoyable by wiggling or squirming in your lap, or letting out a squeal. They can also let the spanker know something was not so enjoyable by saying things like: “no not there”, “too hard” or “that didn’t feel good.” 

To make the most of sensory deprivation in intimate and sensory play , go slow, let your imagination run wild and try using an imaginative sequence of moves, and a different pace than the two of you are used to in your everyday intimate play with each other. But most of all, don’t be selfish when you’re in control, think about how to give the most pleasurable experience to your partner.

Enjoy your role as the director of your partner’s sensory deprived pleasure trip. Communicate with each other, establish trust and play safe.

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The Relationship Paradox

  • March 11, 2019March 28, 2020

“Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness. One does not exist without the other.” – Esther Perel

This is the relationship paradox of love, the closeness needed for intimacy with the individuality that fuels desire.

The seeds of intimacy are time and repetition. We choose each other again and again, and so create a community of two. As a couple grows emotionally intimate through this repetition, which furnishes the building blocks of trust and security, desire begins to diminish. Noting that sex is not a function of emotional intimacy but a separate state of being,

It is too easily assumed that problems with sex are the result of a lack of closeness. But perhaps the way we construct closeness reduces the sense of freedom and autonomy needed for sexual pleasure. When intimacy collapses into fusion, it is not a lack of closeness but too much closeness that impedes desire. Cultivating our individuality, our own personal growth which is set apart from our partner can create the desire and curiosity for our partner again.

Eroticism is a movement toward the Other, this is its essential character. Yet in our efforts to establish intimacy we often seek to eliminate otherness, thereby precluding the space necessary for desire to flourish.

We seek intimacy to protect ourselves from feeling alone; and yet creating the distance essential to eroticism means stepping back from the comfort of our partner and feeling more alone.

Our ability to tolerate our separateness and the fundamental insecurity it engenders is a precondition for maintaining interest and desire in a relationship. Instead of always striving for closeness, couples may be better off cultivating their separate selves. There is beauty in an image that highlights a connection to oneself, rather than a distance from one’s partner.

Adapted from an article in Brain Pickings which talks about Esther Perel’s work on the topic of erotic intelligence. 

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Preparing to Offer Your Partner an Intimate Tantric Massage

  • March 11, 2019March 28, 2020

The first phase of preparing to massage your partner is to begin with the intention to honour them and enabling them to receive.

As the giving partner, prepare a loving, pleasant and warm space. The space can include fresh towels to lay on, a calm atmosphere can be created by candles and relaxing music.  Prepare all the things you will need for the massage including oil (e.g. grapeseed oil) and towels. You may want to warm the oil by placing the bottle of massage oil in a warm cup of water. As the giving partner lead the massage session.

Establishing Initial Physical Contact in the Tantric Massage

  • You can choose to sit with your partner, facing each other, in the space you have created for the massage. Ask your partner to give you their hand and take their hand in a gentle and loving hold. Then offer them your hand, in return to hold. This creates a connection between you. Even though you are the one giving the massage, it is impossible to give with your touch in a loving and meaningful way without also experiencing touch that is loving. Now offer a personal invitation, such as “I invite you on a sensual journey”, and you can add more to the invitation as you like.
    Sit down behind your partner, and place your arms around them in an embrace, enable your partner to lean against you resting their head against you. In this intimate embrace you can breathe slowly in rhythm with each other, this will relax both of you, and create a physical harmony between you.

Beginning the Massage

  • You can then invite your partner to lay on their stomach. With feather light touches gently stroke your partners back with your finger tips, with long slow touch, or teasing touch, caress their hair, lightly touch their ears. Touch their whole body in this way, from their head to their toes.
  • Test the temperature of the oil before applying to your partner’s body. Pour a little oil into your hand and with care in slow movements distribute the oil over your partners back, arms and legs.
  • Let your hands glide like waves and flow steadily across your partners body, with the oil between your hands and your partners body, this will enable the gliding motion. Have the intention to lovingly touch your partner, changing the speed or the pressure as desired, be careful to avoid the spine, and any other bony parts of their body. Focus on fleshy parts of the body, where the areas of muscle are. If your wrists are loose this will enable you to massage in a soft and gentle way.
  • Begin by massaging your partner’s back, shoulders, spend time here as this is where a lot of tension is stored. Include the arms, gently gliding over them. Then move to your partner’s legs, first one leg then the other. Take your time, explore your partner’s body. When you are ready invite your partner to turn over.
  • When your partner is laying face up, place your hand on their heart and the other hand on the crown of their hand. Take a moment here. Then begin again, touching the whole body lightly. Apply oil. Massage their body from head to toe, simply through gentle, slow touch, aiming to embrace their whole body.

Finishing the Massage

  • When you are ready to complete the massage hold your partners hand and then gently let go.  As your partner gently wakes up from their relaxing massage spend some time in an embrace, and offer them a glass of water.
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Breathing Together as Foreplay

  • March 23, 2019March 28, 2020

There’s something very erotic and sensual about breathing in unison with your lover. 

It’s a connecting moment where you are paying attention to each other and bringing your energy together. Breathing in this way can feel playful, sensual and joyful.  

You may feel self conscious or silly asking your partner to sit with you and breath together. Many partners find it difficult to even look at each other directly in the eye for anything more than a brief moment. They are unable to truly look and gaze into the eyes of their lover, drinking in what they see and build that intimate connection. 

When we did lose our ability to really connect with each other? How did we lose the ability or willingness to be close? What events could have taken that away from you? I will let you consider that for yourself as we are all individual and the reasons for why we push people away or don’t let them close is different for everyone. The first step is being aware whether you are truly allowing yourself to be connected with and have the door open to connecting with your intimate partner. 

When you are ready to begin this journey of true intimate connection then I recommended the following playful and erotic breathing experience.

Before you begin really ask yourself, am I open to connecting with this person and letting them in? The answer needs to be a joyful and accepting yes. If it isn’t then it sounds like you are not ready for this, take a step back and think about what is holding you back. 

Here’s a step by step guide to breathing together and eye gazing with your lover.

1. Intention and permission

Permission
For you both to come together this was way there needs to be permission given to enter into this experience. There is an equality in this experience, a balance. There is not a moment of euphoria for one and not the other. You both share in this experience equally at the same time. 

Ask each other, “can I sit with you and can we try breathing together?” or “can we share in this experience of siting together and looking into each other’s eyes, I want to feel close to you?” 

Set your intentions
You are here to truly accept the person before you and for yourself to be unconditionally accepted. If you have resentment or anger towards the person in front of you, then you cannot truly accept them. Coming together in this way needs a clean slate. There needs to be a forgiveness of anything which has so far not been forgiven. 

When your intention is to unconditionally accept the person before you, then you are ready to begin. 

2. Space

Create a warm and inviting space which is comfortable for you both to sit close together. 

3. Position

Sit together in a comfortable position, where you can both see each other’s face. You can sit cross legged together or entwined, whatever feels comfortable for both of you. 

4. Touch

Place your hand on each other’s chest. You may want to place your hands on each other’s heart. You may want to ask each other’s permission before you do this “can I touch you here?” or “can I connect with you?” whatever permission language works for you and your partner. 

5. Sight

Hopefully you have already been looking at each other and not elsewhere. Now that you have connected through touch you can connect intentionally through sight. 


Look at your partner’s face, and focus on their eyes. Look into their eyes with your intention of acceptance, care and joy. You may want to pick one of their eyes to focus on, and take these moments to truly look at each other. It may take practice to feel very comfortable doing this. Looking into your partner’s eyes builds intimacy. 

6. Breathe

You can add breathing together. Take a deep slow breath in unison and exhale together. If it helps count to five in your mind to inhale and count five to exhale. Pay attention to how your partner breathes and mirror their slow and deep breath. You can try different breathing exercises together, for example your partner takes a breath first and exhales, as they exhale you inhale. This breath exercise can feel like a wave of energy between you. 

When you approach these activities they are not to be thought of as chores or tasks, take a playful approach, it does not have to be perfect, adapt this to work for you. The most important element is the intention to unconditionally accept each other. 

When you have experienced looking into each other’s eyes, breathing together and being with each other in this way, it is possible for your empathy and emotions towards your lover to open up in new ways. 

Try it. It might be daunting at first. Follow this guide to help you along the way. Breathing together can bring a deeper sense of intimacy between you and your partner.

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Orgasmic Intelligence

  • March 11, 2019March 28, 2020

Orgasmic intelligence is to know when to interact with the tantalising power and crescendo of orgasm and when to embrace sensuality and intimacy as an expression of connection.

Orgasmic Intelligence (OI) is an individual’s response to their innate orgasmic state and potential.

Orgasmic intelligence is not always related to a sexual experience, but it’s always related to our sexual energy, which is our life force. How you experience and feel about your intimate sexual life impacts the whole of your life, they way you see yourself and others.

Alfred Kinsey the first scientist to study human sexuality in detail, once likened the orgasm to “the crescendo, climax and sudden stillness achieved by an orchestra of human emotions, …an explosion of tensions”

Ann Summers released the results of a sensual survey where they got to know the population’s orgasms and sensual behaviour a little better. What did the survey reveal…?

  • 65% of women prefer to achieve orgasm with a partner than on their own
  • 91% of men prefer to achieve orgasm with a partner than on their own
  • 72% of women feel that engaging in foreplay is an essential contributor to achieving orgasm through sex
  • 68% of couples would like to experiment more with sex toys or accessories
  • 43% of couples currently own a sex toy or accessory

Dr Brooke Magnanti writing in The Telegraph today reports that we have focussed too much on ‘the orgasm’ and this idea of ‘good sex’.

Her article encourages us to relax and not over focus on the orgasm itself, but revel in the whole art of love making, enjoying touch, visuals, slow dancing, the scent of your partner’s skin, talking, soft caress, the taste of their kiss and really the whole ensemble rather than one final crescendo moment.

Celebrate the orgasm yes, as fabulous as it is, those waves of pleasure, but look at the bigger picture and the whole sensual adventure of intimacy.

Understand that your intimate sensual experiences impact how you feel about yourself and the life that you live, your connection to others.

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Read more of Dr Brooke Magnanti’s article in The Telegraph here. 

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5 Ways to Find the Passion

  • March 11, 2019March 28, 2020

“Curiosity is a key erotic element, as it keeps us interested in ourselves and in our partner” – Esther Perel

We desire secure and loving relationships which provide comfort and stability. On the other hand we have an equally strong need for adventure, novelty, and discovery. We strive to have both connection and freedom, to be close and safe but also to fan the flames of our desire.

What makes us feel emotionally secure is not always what turns us on erotically. If you want to reignite your love life, you must take on the responsibility of your own desire.

Here are 5 ways to find the passion and desire again:

1. Make a list of 10 things you do to turn yourself on and 10 things which turn you off.

I turn myself on / feel full of life when… I see good friends, think of a sexy encounter, do something new.

I turn myself off / feel dull within when… I repeat the same behaviours every week, I don’t exercise, I worry.

Recognise what ignites your passion and what dampens your fire, your joie de vivre. Invest in what brings you life and enjoyment.

2.If you are in a relationship remember that you don’t own your partner.

When you text or call your partner you expect them to answer.When you come home at night you expect them to be there, but remember they are separate from you. You do not entirely know their thoughts, you are not joined at the hip.

Recognise that your partner has their own autonomy, and ask yourself how can you strengthen your connection between these two separate and autonomous people.

Recognise your partner’s sovereignty because this can ignite eroticism as you are recognising their separateness from yourself. Curiosity is a key erotic element, as it keeps us interested in ourselves and in our partner.

3.Don’t wait for chance. Plan sex in advance.

Imagination is an essential erotic ingredient. Stay erotically engaged with someone for the long haul is an active engagement. Put effort toward making time for and creatively planning for intimacy.

How can you change things up with the consent of your partner? How often do you talk about trying new intimate things together which turn you both on?

4.See your partner with fresh eyes.

Ask yourself, “When do I find myself most drawn to my partner?” Not just sexually attracted to but drawn to.

Love is an exercise in selective perception. Novelty is the ability to let the unknown in, even in the midst of the familiar. When we see the person we know once again as somewhat mysterious, somewhat elusive, and somewhat unknown, it can give us a change in perspective.

5.Make time for yourself.

Human beings are not robots. I may be stating the obvious but you were not made to live for the 9 to 5 working week. Your life may involve a working environment which gives you energy which you find exciting. However remember that the 9 to 5 is not the sum of your life.

You are responsible for your happiness. Make time every day, every week, however often you can fit it in, to do things which make you happy and bring life to you. Actively make time for yourself, it will not happen by accident, you must make a choice to create your happiness.

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